Dineley on Movies: Transformers (Michael Bay)

This edition of Dineley on Movies touches briefly on the two live action Transformers movies, I haven't seen either of them so can't give an actual review about them but I wanted to talk about them and issues that surround them so I figured it warranted the Dineley on Movies tag despite it not being an actual review. To be honest this post is mostly about peoples attitudes and Michael Bay.

When I heard they were going to be making a live action Transformers movie I was so excited my dick moved a little. Then over the however many years it took them to get their shit together and actually make the movie my dick returned to it's original position and due to the fact that I was out in the woods planting trees and getting naked alot at the time the movie was released I didn't even see it. The fact that it looked way to much like a GM commercial and the robots just looked so ridiculous with all sorts of sharp edges and not enough bold primary colours to keep my attention. I also wasn't too keen on the fact that Michael Bay was directing. Oh also any time I hear the word Labeouf I immediately think of bad decisions I made involving hefty women and 2:13AM but no one wants to relive that.

Since that first movie came out the world has had time to debate where Megan Fox ranks on Maxims top 100, whether or not the fact that she looks super dirty would deter someone from sticking it to her, why Labeouf is even getting jobs as an actor when clearly the "I'm a Mac" guy would've been way better in the roll and many other deep philosophical questions.

It was during that time that I head my epiphany about Michael Bay. I started thinking why does everyone hate this guy so much??

I mean I know he completely fucked up Pearl Harbour, Armageddon was bad on the scale of genocide, which to be honest was mostly Aerosmith's fault, and he seemed to be the one guy who had a bigger crush on Ben Afleck than Matt Damon did.

So that puts him at two terrible movies, which get canceled out by his two awesome movies The Rock and Bad Boys. Now the only two other actual movies he has directed pre-Transformers were Bad Boys II and The Island. Now Bad Boys II was one I never got around to seeing as the buddy cop genre of films is more worn out than Lance Bass's asshole. So we'll assume that it was a sub-par high action blockbuster type that appealed to a lot of people but nobody "LOVED IT". Then you have The Island which no matter what you think of the movie the amount of entertainment value that there is to be had in saying "The Island" in a Jamaican accent whenever you talk about your experience for the movie more than makes up for it.

With a resume like this it was hard to understand the widespread hatred for Bay. Michael Bay jokes about him blowing shit up were becoming so prevalent that even he made fun of himself about it.

So anyways this is going on way longer than I originally intended so I'll try and wrap it up briefly. The Transformers movies are bound to be your typical mindless blockbuster bull shit. The more you find trashy girls attractive the more you will probably like this movie, so it will be probably do excellent in Cambridge. But seriously besides that don't expect a fucking award winning masterpiece, feel free to get upset about the shitty acting, and honestly who better to direct a movie about a war against giant robots than a guy who is notorious for blowing shit up in his movies.

I guess to sum up what I'm saying, these movies are going to suck, don't expect otherwise, and lay of Michael Bay The Rock was awesome and he directed Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Hell II - Picture Show, although feel free rip him a new asshole for that abomination that was Pearl Harbour. If for some reason I ever ending up watching one or both of these movies I'll be sure to write hilarious scathing review of them for you the people to enjoy.


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