Friday, December 6, 2013

Cry Freedom!

It's a full Nelson bitch
So I clearly haven't really been writing much on here lately not too sure why. Anyways I figured I'd post some of the more fun and interesting things I come across in my internet travels. Some of these things you may see and say to yourself "Hey didn't I post that on Facebook the other day?" And the answer will most likely be, yes, yes you did. However I figured I would pass it along to more people so I apologize for any repeats.

I also apologize that the blog will be mostly writing interspersed with links and I don't just put 30 GIFs of movie scenes on a page to get my point across.

Anyways lets dive right into the shit now. Nelson Mandela died yesterday. And as expected millions of middle class white people in their twenties were overcome with grief over the loss of someone who meant so much to them. Saying that I should keep my comments on his passing to a minimum, he was a great leader and I will never really realize the impact he had on this world, now he gets to go live with the great Swayze in the sky so I hope its awesome for you chief.

I will post two quick Mandela related thing, Anthony Jeselnik who is an insanely funny man that you should all be into summed it up best on Twitter.

And of course there will always be the glorious Chappelle show skit of Nelson Mandela boot camp. Which is friggen awesome. I also had a pretty sweet Twitter gem about the passing myself, but if you want that you'll have to follow me for yourself.

Anyways moving right along here my never ending love for some things Star Trek and ALL things Patrick Stewart here's a little Yuletide classic done up by Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

Also speaking of loving Star Trek, I have stumbled upon an online comic that gives us a glimpse into the soul and life of the most pathetic man on the planet. You know how most newspaper comics such as Garfield are pretty lame and unfunny, well magically when you remove the obese lasagna eating feline from the picture, it actually gets about one million times funnier.

So yeah check out Garfield minus Garfield for yourself I'll post one preview for you so you get the gist of things. As an aside this also the greatest thing ever to post in the wake of the Mandela passing.

To close out this post I have to shine a light on something that I really hate to give any publicity too, Much Music's Big Jingle concert. For some reason Facebook thought that this was an ad I would be interested in, I guess when they were big brothering me the fact that I downloaded a couple of top 40 albums somehow says more about me than all my other searches involving, food, The Wire, video games, porn and metal.

Anyways this show has Hedley, Fefe Dobson, Fall Out Boy and all sorts of other complete garbage. If that's the sort of thing you're into I'm really sorry to insult you, and also really sad that Nelson Mandela is dead and you're still here... and most of all you're still here and reading my blog for some reason.

Really the only thing I can do now is take a line from the master Norm Macdonald, and say happy birthday Jesus I hope you like shitty concerts.

*Apologies if any of this is a little unfresh I'm going to work on just keeping my shit just to the blog from now on so wont have any spoilers of it on Facebook beforehand like there were for a few things in this entry

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Dineley on Movies: Star Trek: Into Darkness

As I'm sure any of you who remember the blog's old William Shatner centric masthead would assume, I am a man who enjoys a good Star Trek movie. So reviewing a new Trek movie is something I'd jump right on especially a movie with such strong ties to one of my favourite movies of all time, The Wrath of Khan. However due to the time constraints imposed on me by fatherhood I was unable to see the latest Trek film in theaters despite my borderline unhealthy love of Star Trek.  I was finally able to get it on Blu-Ray and watch it last week and figured I'd unload some thoughts about it now that I've had a few days to reflect.

Visually this movie is pretty awesome, lots of impressive epic shots and all the other good sci-fi stuff you'd expect. I feel once again they went a little overboard with the gigantic enemy ship but overall a nice looking movie with all the lens flare your heart desire... with one big exception.

They introduce several new star fleet uniforms in the movie, and they are bad news. Think Queer Eye for the Straight Guy meets Battle Star Galactica, obviously no good. Why couldn't the plain red shirt uniforms make the jump to the alternate timeline.

Now lets move into the meat of the critique. When I finished watching this movie I couldn't help but feeling like I had been involved in an airtight, sure I was entertained but it felt like the movies attention was overly divided in an attempt to please to many people at once. For some reason Abrams feels some unhealthy need to fill the new films with forced allusions to the first generation of movies, in this case mainly The Wrath of Khan. While the first reboot featuring the Kobyashi Maru scenario from the original films was a great bit of nostalgia and fit the story they take it way to far in this movie.

While Michael Bay having Leonard Nimoy dropping a "needs of the many" in the latest Transformers movie was cheap this movie goes above and beyond that ten fold in jamming in unnessecary legacy lines. Don't want to be too much of a spoiler for those of you who are yet to see it, but they go out of their way to sneak in a KHAAAAAAN yell and a "needs of the many" and touching Kirk and Spock through a glass door scene its just bush league, at least in my opinion. If you have never seen the Wrath of Khan these little things will likely not bother you, however if you have it feels insulting to have things being blatantly ripped out of the original movie as if we will have no choice but to like it because its from old Star Trek.

What makes things even worse though is that is still sticks to true summer blockbuster form with an abundance of terrible one liners the worst of which is cutting off someone mid sentence so that the sound of the fancy space doors provided the word "shit" to complete the "I don't give a ..."

Moving on to music, the original Wrath of Khan had one of the better orchestral sound tracks out there and in general Star Trek has had awesome scores in both TV and the big screen. Even the latest iterations of the series have a great main them and such but then for the second movie in a row the Beastie Boys get inserted into the film for some reason. Perhaps this is some contractual obligation due to all the prior Beastie Boys Trek references, but really hardly anybody listens to the Beastie Boys in 2013 I'm guessing by whatever Star Date they are in Mike D and the boys would be but a footnote in the annals of history. Not that I don't love the Beastie Boys but it just really distracts from the universe the movie is supposed to be immersing you in. I'm not sure if its more or less cheesy than Magic Carpet Ride in First Contact but hey it's still a thing.

While all these are pretty minor gripes that have less to d o with the movie being any good but serve more as indicators that I need to get a life this next issue is super cereal. The original Khan had a look that fit the name Khan Noonien Singh in both skin colour and wardrobe selection. Joke as much as you like about Ricardo Montalban and his chest piece but he at least fit the part.

The new Khan is whiter than white and looks like he'd be more at home in a Twilight movie than in Star Trek. Anyways while this was a solid movie overall it did have some areas of weakness. What troubles me the most though is to think what the hell J.J. will do with the Star Wars movies he's set to be at the helm of, hopefully those will be DYN-O-MITE!!!!

Sunday, May 5, 2013

You Just Lost The Game (when peacocking goes wrong)

Yeah you all just lost, but this post is about a different kind of game and a different kind of losing.

There is an awesome book called The Game penned by Neil Strauss aka Style. Basically this book chronicles how the Dungeons and Dragons community came together on the internet to figure out how to systematically seduce women, the best part is it actually worked, they were able to run train on the unsuspecting ladies of the world, disarming the alpha male douche bags and claiming what had so long been denied them.

Of course with success women eventually became wise to some of their tactics, in typical American fashion the nerds consumed all the low hanging fruit. A few of the more enterprising and successful of the bunch began running classes, and writing books and such which then brought the entire lifestyle to the forefront.

But now I'm doing a rambling summary of the book which is both unfunny and doesn't do the book justice, you should read it, it's awesome. Anyways one of the techniques described for the seducing of the females is called "peacocking" this involves some sort of flashy display to alert  the ladies of your dominance such as seen to your right.

Now one of the "masters" of this art is known as Mystery he was featured prominently in the book and even had a reality show on VH1 about him taking a group of desperate dudes and trying to turn them into functioning pickup artists, this Mystery character was originally a magician from the Toronto area, and as you can see in this appearance on Jimmy Kimmel this is the sort of peacocking that he was using. (on a side not really ladies that's what you want us to do??)
For those of you too lazy to go to the video it basically consists of outlandish/garish clothing, weird hats, jewelery, man purses, basically anything that would cause you to make fun of someone if you saw them wearing it, or see below.

Now similar to that Fumke there are some who attempt to master this art of peacocking  with dreadful results like I witnessed yesterday. If I had Photoshop, and the time, and cared more than I do I would recreate what I saw digitally because even the best description of this man's get up will likely fail at capturing the ridiculousness of his attire, but let's try this anyways.

Close your eyes and picture a man, now if you closed your eyes open them again because you're reading this so closing your eyes is a pretty stupid thing to do. Now picture a man, on this man's head is what appears to be a cowboy hat, it's black and has all the typical cowboy hat features but something appears to be off about it, you can't quite put your finger on it but we'll save that for later.

Next this man is wearing a long flowing coat of the trench variety leather and black which on it's own would conjure up images of a vampire obsessed individual, and then it dawns on you, the coat does remind me you of a vampire obsessed individual, and that's what was wrong with that hat, that is not the rugged frontier embracing hat of a cowboy but instead that of the monster slaying wanderer Van Helsing.

So now picture Van Helsing but instead of typical mosnter slayer adventurer clothes under his coat this man has a black dress shirt on, complete with shiny blue tie, and I don't mean the good kind of shiny like a girls hair shimmering in the light just begging to be sniffed... ummm I've said too much... anyways this tie was bordering on rhinestone shine, and hanging in front of the tie is a big dirty Jesus piece in all it's sterling silver majesty. The Jesus piece chain looks really fucking daunting as you're staring at this guy in the bar, and then you see what he has attached to his wallet, and it looks like Marley's chain he forged in life!

Hopefully that description was enough for you to grasp the atrocity of this man's wardrobe, I know a picture is worth a thousand words and that was 200 or so at the most but I had to try, and I must say describing it was easier than shouting out "If I see Van Helsing I swear to the Lord I will slay him! A-ha-ha-haa!"  Anyways this has become more of a "missed connection" hate session so I'll leave you with some quality Jason Segel action cheers.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Lance Armstrong: he's doper than Floyd Landis

So part one of the much hyped Lance Armstrong interview with Oprah aired last night and surprise surprise he was on PEDs when he amassed his seven Tour de France victories. Anyways unlike Oprah's drawn out 2 part interview I'm going to break this all down as quickly as possible.

 First of all the World Anti Doping Agency (WADA) used to be led by a guy named Dick Pound who also is Canadian. Awesome!!

Who decides where to draw the line on what is acceptable to ingest and what is not seems that the line drawn in the sand is pretty fucking arbitrary.

 They need better testing seeing as Lance was doing basically every form of doping possible and didn't get caught or at least had someone k cahoots in on the testing process.

Overall even though he cheated it was a positive for the world as we know it. Apart from all the people that were unfairly sued or may have actually won the tour there were more winners than losers because of Lance.

 The millions that were raised by those faggy yellow wristbands would not have happened if he had been simply a fourth place cyclist.

The Tour due France got way more popularity then it ever would have if he hadn't won all those years. Because honestly let's face it how many people actually would follow a race for several weeks to see which guy they don't know is the best at exercise.

Lastly his cameo in Dodgeball was awesome and might be even more awesome with this news.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Alphabetical retrospective: Part 2

As I mentioned in my initial post in this series this is a quick look  back on things that happened while I was sucking at blogging. Part one went from A to D so now we continue st you guessed it E.

E) End of the World
This should come as no surprise that the people who got wiped out a few hundred years ago didnt have the foresight to know when the world would end. Considering our advanced society can barley predict the weather it seems pretty fucking retarded to base anything on the Mayans calendar. I mean they weren't even smart enough to be able to carry on living and being disenfranchised by colonists until present day. If I'm asking any aboriginal peoples for apocolyptic advice it starts with those scientists.

I just hope all the douche bags going on a YOLO inspired bareback rampage on the 20th have lots of ugly kids and an itchy dick.

F) Face Eating

This face eating business that seemed to be the hot new trend this summer is a weird subject to tackle. But based on how fucked up it was and that it happened seemingly in a sudden outburst I figure I need to pay it some notice.

There probably have been lots of people that ate faces that just didn't happen to clog up the news feed. Sort of like when all those birds were dying a few years back.

I guess my point is face eating is nothing new Hannibal Lecter did it and I think someone who knew Seal did as well. (Sorry for Seal overload I wrote this letter before my brush with karma today)

G) George Lucas

So a few months back George Lucas sold the Star Wars franchise to Disney. This sale netted the bearded benefactor of Harrison Ford's  awesomeness several billion dollars. Awesome for him right?!?

 Then his next move blew my mind. The guy who had whored out Star Wars over and over again to make money. There was the constant re release on video of different special editions, the garbage prequel trilogy that had zero back story of Han Solo... like wtf. And the worst of all the  Clone Wars cartoon.

 Anyways I rambled from my point. The man who was the ultimate slave to the almighty dollar donated all the money from selling Star Wars to educational charities. Which is awesome but flummoxing.

The one good thing is that the franchise sold out long ago so there's really not much worse that Disney could do to discredit it anymore. In fact I think the only thing they could do to mess with it would be a "prequel" sitcom about Han and Lando. Knowing Disney they would make it buddy cop kind of humour and star  Chris Tucker and Chris Pine as the young Han and Lando...working title Smugglers?

But yeah I've put way too much thought into this its unhealthy.

I'll be releasing these updates in the rhythm of the alphabet song. So next up is H I J K.

Karma is a Bitch (Don't make fun of Seal's face)

So maybe this came to me only because I've been on a My Name is Earl marathon, but it appears Karma may have caught up with me. I take particular delight in mocking Seal for having a face that looked like it was kissed not by a rose but by a Cornballer machine. Anyways in an attempt to show me how easily facial disfiguration can occur I was the victim of a nail gun bounce back to the face. Clearly Karma attempting to make me smarten up. Anyways below you will see that now I look like I'm stuck in the uh uh. If you know what I mean.  

Also on a My Name is Earl note Alyssa Milano makes a cameo in a sexy cop outfit, looking. She looks great in fact she's up in that league of women that you would be shocked if she got married to Seal, and then if she left Seal you'd say "oh well it could be worse" then you would remember what his face looks like and think "never mind it couldn't be worse." Anyways Alyssa looks as fine as she does in the Josie video from many many years ago so now here's both for you viewing pleasure.

Also more alphabet letters tonight or tomorrow unhhhh.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Three years in review: An alphabetical retrospective

While most people who read this may have noticed there was a huge lack of posting for a few years.

Maybe it was me smoking to much weed maybe it was me not smoking enough but for some reason I had a complete lack of creative output, unfortunately during that time the world didnt stop having stuff for me to and or appreciate so I'm running through the alphabet picking some things to offer my two cents on. I'll do a few letters at a time or else I would never finish one giant post. So enough with the preamble here we go.

A) Amanda Todd
This girl is straight up dumb, and she's up there with Brandon Crisp on my list of kids who thankfully were removed from the gene pool before procreation. But seriously people that claim this girls death is a product of bullying really need to spend their time trying to put an end to the stupid whore movement instead of blaming this broads death on our cruel society.

 B) Bane's Voice
 While The Dark Knight Rises was an awesome movie all around there were parts of it that to put it mildly were... really awesome. One of said really awesome things was the voice Tom Hardy used for his portrayal of Bane. This SeanConneryesque voice was one of the greatest sinister voices of movie history right up there with Darth Vader.

All that was needed was for Batman to tell Bane he would hunt down the league of shadows until he had killed every last one. And Bane could have replied.

C) Chad Kroeger Custom Les Paul
This letter was difficult it passed through mg mind that I could focus on Call me Maybe or perhaps Chinese Democracy but then I decided to go with my original idea.

The Chad Kroeger custom guitar or as Gibson describes it.A Do-it-All-Les Paul from the most versatile artist in rock. Now I will admit I am in no way a Nickleback fan. However give Chad Kroeger props he's making beaucoups money, stabs Avril Lavigne's kitty on the reg, has his own  custom guitar and did a sweet colab with Carlos Santana which can be seen below and whats doubly sweet is that he looks like a lion in the video.

Now although I respect Chad for building that legendary  amount of fame and fortune from a musical career that featured very little creativity let alone as Gibson claims "versatility."

Nickleback has been cranking out the dame garbage over and over they're almost like AC/DC but without the school boy uniform.

I dont know where I'm going with thid one buy the main theme is that Nickleback is not versatile sometimes Chad looks like a lion and he doesnt need his own guitar he can just use Mark Tremonti's.

But for the record its a sweet guitar and I want one.

D) Dubstep

This one was also a tossup between Dave Hester and of course Dubstep. Hester will get his turn in either S or Y.

So yeah dupstep stop listening to modems having sex, I'm sure energy drinks and MDMA make it sweet music to sweat to in the club with no sleeves but just stop it.

Also heres the one funny thing about dubstep thats it for the alphabet for now though I'll be back later.