YouTube has played a gigantic part in the proliferation of random shit on internet. Coupled with webcams and cell phone's with video cameras has spawned a generation of amature videographers, and no this has nothing to do with the BangBus.
YouTube is home to aspiring musicians putting their performances online leaving themselves exposed to the denizens of the internet and all their opinions.
One person who put up a clusterfuck worth of video's was this one guy named Ian. Ian is what you might call a "differently abled" specimen. One thing that developed ok was his vanity and love for singing. One of his most moving renditions is of One Republic's Apologize seen below.
Now normally when people rate things they do it on a scale of five stars or thumbs up or down. However upon watching this video I found the need for a new rating scale, and wasn't sure if it would earn THIS or THIS
Upon first watching this and finding myself dying of laughter I immediatley thought what a terrible person I must be. What reenforced my feelings of being completley void of compassion was the total lack of negative YouTube comments. All the comments mentioned how amazing a singer he was, and how he was awesome. I went to bed that night praying that he just moderated his comments and that I infact was not the worst specimen on the internet. When buddies channel went down and his video was reposted the negative comments flooded in and my faith in myself was restored a little bit.
However Ian's stranglehold on the retard YouTube singing charts is under attack from some girl named ChickBrook.
(In my best Ryan Seacrest typing voice) And now it's up to you the voters to decide who wins the Facepalm crown.
Now in attempt to aleviate my guilt I will also put myself up on trial. Below you will find a music video that I did for grade 11 comm tech. Procrastination and a lack of good software led to no drums being recorded and me attempting to patch in a beat using one shot cymbal hit loops and such. During the middle of the video we have the ultimate concept failure. What was supposed to be a Chinese fire drill in which the passenger of the van steals the van and leaves the rest of the band standing alone, however by accidentley deleting the sound that accompanied the video and having shot it from the wrong camera angle the magic wasn't really captured. I was also trying this interesting method of singing which was a mix of singing poorly and talking. We ended up writing a better version of this song after and it was pretty awesome but this is the rough draft when we sucked at music, video editing and haircuts.
Also to encourage reader participation in the blog if someone can find/create something that tops the double facepalm picture that would be wicked awesome.
Oh and just remember kids, you should never throw a bong kit... ever!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Wood in the woods
I had been holding off on posting this for a while because I really didn't know what to say about it, but I think the video clips below are basically self explanatory.
Take this is a warning of what terrible things might happen when you mix serious amounts of alcohol, and nothing to do. Also video cameras on cell phones are a terrible invention as normally this type of footage would have gone undocumented and only seen by those were actually present.
There is a thrd part to this ill fated day's events, BUT it's pretty disturbing so I'll let you find that on your own, it's really not that difficult to track down, but it just makes it easeier for those with less of a tolerance for exposed man flesh to not watch the clip.
Also before you judge us on our actions give us some credit for a job well done that day.
Take this is a warning of what terrible things might happen when you mix serious amounts of alcohol, and nothing to do. Also video cameras on cell phones are a terrible invention as normally this type of footage would have gone undocumented and only seen by those were actually present.
There is a thrd part to this ill fated day's events, BUT it's pretty disturbing so I'll let you find that on your own, it's really not that difficult to track down, but it just makes it easeier for those with less of a tolerance for exposed man flesh to not watch the clip.
Also before you judge us on our actions give us some credit for a job well done that day.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Kanye West/Patrick Swayze
These two characters/stories got themselves intertwined rather inadvertently just based on the T.O.D on Swayze. I remember a little over a year ago there was a rumour that Patrick Swayze had died of pancreatic cancer, and for some reason I thought that was the funniest thing. While I usually have no problems making light of celebrity death for some reason the Swayze death comment just made me burst out laughing which is a little harsh even by my standards. But either way I loved the "they're making a sequel to Ghost" jokes which circulated briefly.
Now he's actually gone, and I'm mad as hell because he kicked the bucket 3 months to early. Back when MJ and the other host of celebrities kicked the bucket back in the summer it opened the door for one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard in my life which was:
What are Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, and Billy Mays getting for Christmas?
Patrick Swayze
As you can all now see that joke was so close to coming true it was almost uncanny.
But now just as MJ overshadowed the week of celebrity death in the summer, Kanye West is going to overshadow Swayze because he has the biggest ego of all time.
For any of you who don't know about Kanye's little award show thing, I really don't know how you found my blog because if you have the web savvy to get here you should have encountered something about Kanye.
But anyways after that little incident the internet has the denizens of the internet on high alert looking for things for Kanye to interrupt. So what started with Obama has now gone on to new heights with the death of Swayze as seen below. I'm sure most of you have seen/heard this bit already but if not I'm glad I could share it with you.
Leave Kanye alone though the guy is cocky and a bit irritating but whatever, someone I respect pointed out that Kanye seems to be getting more shit for crashing the stage then Chris Brown did for his little antics, and sadly it's true... what's the world coming to.
Some guy beats the fuck out of his GF and we're more worried about little miss millionaire Taylor Swift who had an awkward two minutes at an award show because Kanye wanted to show off his new crazy haircut.
Also Kanye made fun of himself for his awards show behaviour years ago and it was hilarious.
Can't find an embed code that works but HERE IT IS SO AWESOME
Anyways I will always remember Swayze as the guy that looked kinda like Jeff Bridges but wasn't a total tool, and as "The President of the Dance" thanks to an inspired comedic performance by Denis Leary, anyways enjoy.
Now he's actually gone, and I'm mad as hell because he kicked the bucket 3 months to early. Back when MJ and the other host of celebrities kicked the bucket back in the summer it opened the door for one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard in my life which was:
What are Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, and Billy Mays getting for Christmas?
Patrick Swayze
As you can all now see that joke was so close to coming true it was almost uncanny.
But now just as MJ overshadowed the week of celebrity death in the summer, Kanye West is going to overshadow Swayze because he has the biggest ego of all time.
For any of you who don't know about Kanye's little award show thing, I really don't know how you found my blog because if you have the web savvy to get here you should have encountered something about Kanye.
But anyways after that little incident the internet has the denizens of the internet on high alert looking for things for Kanye to interrupt. So what started with Obama has now gone on to new heights with the death of Swayze as seen below. I'm sure most of you have seen/heard this bit already but if not I'm glad I could share it with you.
Leave Kanye alone though the guy is cocky and a bit irritating but whatever, someone I respect pointed out that Kanye seems to be getting more shit for crashing the stage then Chris Brown did for his little antics, and sadly it's true... what's the world coming to.
Some guy beats the fuck out of his GF and we're more worried about little miss millionaire Taylor Swift who had an awkward two minutes at an award show because Kanye wanted to show off his new crazy haircut.
Also Kanye made fun of himself for his awards show behaviour years ago and it was hilarious.
Can't find an embed code that works but HERE IT IS SO AWESOME
Anyways I will always remember Swayze as the guy that looked kinda like Jeff Bridges but wasn't a total tool, and as "The President of the Dance" thanks to an inspired comedic performance by Denis Leary, anyways enjoy.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Cold filtered 69 times to bring out the douche
After what was an abysmal summer of shitty weather with Cytheriaesque levels of precipitation the sudden heatwave that struck last week was both unexpected and unwelcome. Not only was I back in the hallowed halls of higher learning which prevented me from enjoying the nice weather, when I was outside I was sweating more than Michael Jackson's doctor while the autopsy was being performed.
Anyways with the heat came the cravings for a frosty pint. And while my mind was on the subject of beer it got me thinking about how different beers are associated with different types of people. Case in point, most people who go out for a few pints of Boddington's are not going to be chumming it up with the Bud Light Lime crowd. Although if you ever catch a friend drinking Boddington's be sure to make fun of them because it's brand slogan is "the cream of Manchester" and drinking something called that absolutely SCREAMS "I putt from the rough." There I even gave you the joke. But in all seriousness we're doing another top five. and this time it's top douchebag beers. I must note though that with the exception of number one the others are in no particular order.
I also want to state that drinking one of these beers doesn't mean that you are automatically a douche, but if you find that you regularly drink all five chances are...
5. PBR (specifically cans)
While I myself have picked up a case of Pabst from time to time when James Ready was not available and I didn't have loads of money to spend, Pabst Blue Ribbon has become synonymous with the hipster movement almost to the degree of scarves, Nike Dunks, and shutter glasses. As shown by this douche here the Pabst can is a symbol of all that is awful (sorry for the repeat image).
Most people who have bottles of Pabst seem to be immune to the douche effects as far as I can tell
4. Heineken
Heineken is an easy choice as a douche beer, it's expensive served at all the douche hot spots, and tastes pretty shitty. It's basically an import beer for dummies, when you want to show the ladies that you're so much more sophisticated than the dirty plebes swilling on Canadian and Labatt you get yourself a Heineken. It's also good for those seeking to prove some sort of connection to German heritage, the same way all the people who say they're some fraction Irish so they love drinking Guinness. But anyways Heineken is associated with the douchiest of people, like the my new haircut guy, who happens to have made a triumphant return to the internet.
3. Corona
Oh Corona, I don't know how they pull it off. They put out a terrible tasting beer that is only barely palatable when you put a slice of lime in it, and charge a king's ransom for it, and people love it. Corona is somehow the number one selling import beer in America, although the country is knowing for having terrible tastes in beer. The beer is known to get a "skunky" taste when exposed to light, which is not a good trait for a beer served in a clear bottle. But anyways enough about the taste, what makes this a douche beer you're asking, and the answer is the price. I you can afford to buy Corona then you should spend that money on something that's actually good and not disgusting. It's another import beer for dummies like Heineken and unless you're in Mexico there is no reason to get hyped up about this beer.
2. Coors Light
The Coors brewing company survived prohibition by producing "near beer" and they never stopped. The Monty Python bit about American beer being like having sex in a canoe applies perfectly to Coors Light. What inspires people to drink this piss I have no idea. It seems they market themselves to the dumbest men around with their scandalous ads and partnering with Maxim another product which seems magnetized for douches. The picture below is a prime example.
Now although I'm as big a fan of hot sluts with tits as much as the next guy, I want a beer that sells itself with what it does for my mouth, not the false sexual expectations it sets, Family Guy nailed it with this one.
Also they're beers biggest selling point is that it's cold, but my anger with that is worthy of it's own post as I find that beyond upsetting.
1. Bud Light Lime
Whoever came up with the idea for Bud Light Lime (BLL) is a genius even though I think it's the worst beer ever. They basically said look at all the retards that buy Corona and put a lime in it and think it's the greatest thing in the world, and also pay an arm and a leg for it. So why don't we just make a sugary shitty citrus version of our light beer and sell it to all the people that already buy our light beer, and that buy Corona. If BLL is in fact just lime juiced up Bud Light, thats pretty gay and they are ripping people the fuck off charging a tonne for it, but props to them. But form what I've heard from the people I know who have tried it, is it is basically a cooler, and will give you a super shitty hangover/gut rot the next day if you were to drink enough of the shit to get drunk. Anyways it's good for all the Corona retards that lack the skills to operate a knife/lime, but overall I would wager that 93.48% of BLL drinkers would not find this joke funny.
Anyways with the heat came the cravings for a frosty pint. And while my mind was on the subject of beer it got me thinking about how different beers are associated with different types of people. Case in point, most people who go out for a few pints of Boddington's are not going to be chumming it up with the Bud Light Lime crowd. Although if you ever catch a friend drinking Boddington's be sure to make fun of them because it's brand slogan is "the cream of Manchester" and drinking something called that absolutely SCREAMS "I putt from the rough." There I even gave you the joke. But in all seriousness we're doing another top five. and this time it's top douchebag beers. I must note though that with the exception of number one the others are in no particular order.
I also want to state that drinking one of these beers doesn't mean that you are automatically a douche, but if you find that you regularly drink all five chances are...
5. PBR (specifically cans)
While I myself have picked up a case of Pabst from time to time when James Ready was not available and I didn't have loads of money to spend, Pabst Blue Ribbon has become synonymous with the hipster movement almost to the degree of scarves, Nike Dunks, and shutter glasses. As shown by this douche here the Pabst can is a symbol of all that is awful (sorry for the repeat image).
Most people who have bottles of Pabst seem to be immune to the douche effects as far as I can tell
4. Heineken
Heineken is an easy choice as a douche beer, it's expensive served at all the douche hot spots, and tastes pretty shitty. It's basically an import beer for dummies, when you want to show the ladies that you're so much more sophisticated than the dirty plebes swilling on Canadian and Labatt you get yourself a Heineken. It's also good for those seeking to prove some sort of connection to German heritage, the same way all the people who say they're some fraction Irish so they love drinking Guinness. But anyways Heineken is associated with the douchiest of people, like the my new haircut guy, who happens to have made a triumphant return to the internet.
3. Corona
Oh Corona, I don't know how they pull it off. They put out a terrible tasting beer that is only barely palatable when you put a slice of lime in it, and charge a king's ransom for it, and people love it. Corona is somehow the number one selling import beer in America, although the country is knowing for having terrible tastes in beer. The beer is known to get a "skunky" taste when exposed to light, which is not a good trait for a beer served in a clear bottle. But anyways enough about the taste, what makes this a douche beer you're asking, and the answer is the price. I you can afford to buy Corona then you should spend that money on something that's actually good and not disgusting. It's another import beer for dummies like Heineken and unless you're in Mexico there is no reason to get hyped up about this beer.
2. Coors Light
The Coors brewing company survived prohibition by producing "near beer" and they never stopped. The Monty Python bit about American beer being like having sex in a canoe applies perfectly to Coors Light. What inspires people to drink this piss I have no idea. It seems they market themselves to the dumbest men around with their scandalous ads and partnering with Maxim another product which seems magnetized for douches. The picture below is a prime example.
Now although I'm as big a fan of hot sluts with tits as much as the next guy, I want a beer that sells itself with what it does for my mouth, not the false sexual expectations it sets, Family Guy nailed it with this one.
Also they're beers biggest selling point is that it's cold, but my anger with that is worthy of it's own post as I find that beyond upsetting.
1. Bud Light Lime
Whoever came up with the idea for Bud Light Lime (BLL) is a genius even though I think it's the worst beer ever. They basically said look at all the retards that buy Corona and put a lime in it and think it's the greatest thing in the world, and also pay an arm and a leg for it. So why don't we just make a sugary shitty citrus version of our light beer and sell it to all the people that already buy our light beer, and that buy Corona. If BLL is in fact just lime juiced up Bud Light, thats pretty gay and they are ripping people the fuck off charging a tonne for it, but props to them. But form what I've heard from the people I know who have tried it, is it is basically a cooler, and will give you a super shitty hangover/gut rot the next day if you were to drink enough of the shit to get drunk. Anyways it's good for all the Corona retards that lack the skills to operate a knife/lime, but overall I would wager that 93.48% of BLL drinkers would not find this joke funny.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Chris Brown beat Rhianna, but NOBODY beats Whitney Houston
I just want to start this update off with a little disclaimer, I am in no way encouraging/condoning the actions of Chris Brown, although to be honest his music upsets me more than the fact that he beat up Rhianna. But anyways I'm not supporting his actions, just thought I'd put a little perspective on the issue since every week I'm still hearing about this stupid story.
So sometime many months ago Chris Brown decided to lay a beat down on Rhianna, up until that point the only time the words beat and Rhianna were used in the same sentence would be with the word "off" in very close proximity to beat, or when talking about how catchy her latest stupid song was. But for some reason Chris Brown the baby faced dancing clown lost his shit and gave her some hot fist on face action. Ever since then there has been a constant gaggle of bullshit "news" related to this incident slowly leaking out.
Most of the stories about the couple being sighted together, and CB still loving Rhianna and weather or not there is a restraining order in effect originate from the cum guzzling Sultan of useless information Perez Hilton, so they can be ignored. However I'm still hearing/reading things about this incident and it is really starting to bother me. Brown was not the first as Jay-Z so delightfully worded it to "strong arm a hoe" not only was he not the first but his actions were hardly the worst case of spousal abuse to occur.
So after that long winded setup here is the meat of this post, to show that Brown's actions were merely the tip of the wifebeating iceberg.
I with the help of some of my esteemed colleagues have compiled a top five Domestic Abuse list, as well as a few honourable mentions. Anyways here we go, starting at five.
5. Tonya Harding
Harding clocks in as the number five on the list. If we were compiling a list of the most batshit crazy people she would be the undisputed number one. As far as concrete evidence in regards to her spousal abuse it is spotty at best. She has several alleged attacks against boyfriends and husbands. While most of these incidents were not all savage they culminated in two separate incidents one involving a high speed car chase and another where she punched her boyfriend and beat him with a hubcap. The sheer lunacy of her antics is what compels Harding into the top five.
4. Elijah Dukes
Although professional athletes provide a metric fuck tonne of prospective abusers I settled on Elijah Dukes to be the one who makes it onto the countdown. While many abusive acts occur in the heat of the moment and are crimes of passion Dukes are at times more tactful, and also much less random, basically he means business. Duke sent a picture message of a gun to his wife's cell phone and left a voicemail which said: "You're dead dawg... your kids too." I'd also like to add that he the kids he threatened were his own kids. Police had to go break up a few sessions of Dukes throwing down on the wife, and she has twice requested protection against him. He also rampaged into the middle school where she teaches, there it took the principal and a police deputy to calm him the fuck down at the school. I know sometimes ladies will stay together for the kids but hopefully Duke's wife gets the fuck out if she hasn't already.
3. Phil Hartman's Wife
Brynn Hartman is the second woman in the top five and is a no brainer for making the list. Her homicidal rampage that led to the death of the great Phil Hartman is just further proof that, in the words of Rick James, "cocaine's a hell of a drug." Anyways for those who don't know the story Hartman got in a argument with her husband Phil Hartman it got pretty heated, Phil goes to bed. Later in the night while drunk and coked out Brynn Shot Hartman twice in the head and once in the torso, ending the life of one of the funniest dudes of his time period. But anyways on with the countdown.
2. Mike Tyson
Tyson weighs in as our number two wifebeater list. It seemed Tyson didn't want to abandon his family to train for his boxing career so he decided to train against his wife he just didn't tell her first. In the infamous 1988 interview with Barbara Walters Tyson's wife explained to Walters the hellish ordeal that was living with Mike Tyson. Tyson sat their starting silently the entire time probably contemplating how his bare knuckle boxing match with the wife would play out when he got home. Tyson's ex-wife Robin Given's described what Tyson did to her while addressing the Rhianna situation: "He dragged me down the hall by my hair. He pulled me out of bed by my panties. He would like to choke me. He would kick." As you can see by the variety of beatings Tyson was laying on his wife it seems like he was the original mixed martial artist. Although not an offical mark on the domestic disturbance chart his daughter's recent death with circumstances that were almost as fishy as David Carradine's certainly raises a spockian eyebrow when you take Tyson's past into account.
1. Viggo Mortensen
Yeah totally full of shit despite that goatee Viggo aint no wife beater and we all know it, now for the actual number one.
1. Juice
No surprises here OJ gets the nod for the number one spot hands down. Seriously I wonder what happened with OJ before he went for his bloody glove night, like were him and a friend sitting at a bar having a discussion.
Friend: "I'm telling you you should teach her a lesson for running around with that Goldman clown"
Juice: "You know what... I'll do you one better."
But even before Simpson's double homicide night which technically can be debated he did have a history of fistacuffs with the ladies. Not only had there been reports of him roughing up the wife, he also had been accused of beating on some secretary but a Simpson employee found out some facts about the victim that she wanted to keep quiet so the case disappeared same with several other incidents.
As you can see from the top five, Chris Brown is a drop in the bucket, there are also several honourable mentions of people with some pretty crazy incidents that aren't fully documented or just not top 5 worthy:
William Shatner, may have drowned his wife
Yanni, headbutted his wife/gf
Bobby Brown, see post title.
Ike Turner, loved hitting women.
Christian Bale, abusing his mom/sister
Vince from Slapchop, beat up a hooker who bit his tongue.
Sean Merriman, roughed up Tila Tequila
Billy Dee Williams, drank too much Colt 45 wife beating ensued...every time.
AND THE LIST GOES ON
So sometime many months ago Chris Brown decided to lay a beat down on Rhianna, up until that point the only time the words beat and Rhianna were used in the same sentence would be with the word "off" in very close proximity to beat, or when talking about how catchy her latest stupid song was. But for some reason Chris Brown the baby faced dancing clown lost his shit and gave her some hot fist on face action. Ever since then there has been a constant gaggle of bullshit "news" related to this incident slowly leaking out.
Most of the stories about the couple being sighted together, and CB still loving Rhianna and weather or not there is a restraining order in effect originate from the cum guzzling Sultan of useless information Perez Hilton, so they can be ignored. However I'm still hearing/reading things about this incident and it is really starting to bother me. Brown was not the first as Jay-Z so delightfully worded it to "strong arm a hoe" not only was he not the first but his actions were hardly the worst case of spousal abuse to occur.
So after that long winded setup here is the meat of this post, to show that Brown's actions were merely the tip of the wifebeating iceberg.
I with the help of some of my esteemed colleagues have compiled a top five Domestic Abuse list, as well as a few honourable mentions. Anyways here we go, starting at five.
5. Tonya Harding
Harding clocks in as the number five on the list. If we were compiling a list of the most batshit crazy people she would be the undisputed number one. As far as concrete evidence in regards to her spousal abuse it is spotty at best. She has several alleged attacks against boyfriends and husbands. While most of these incidents were not all savage they culminated in two separate incidents one involving a high speed car chase and another where she punched her boyfriend and beat him with a hubcap. The sheer lunacy of her antics is what compels Harding into the top five.
4. Elijah Dukes
Although professional athletes provide a metric fuck tonne of prospective abusers I settled on Elijah Dukes to be the one who makes it onto the countdown. While many abusive acts occur in the heat of the moment and are crimes of passion Dukes are at times more tactful, and also much less random, basically he means business. Duke sent a picture message of a gun to his wife's cell phone and left a voicemail which said: "You're dead dawg... your kids too." I'd also like to add that he the kids he threatened were his own kids. Police had to go break up a few sessions of Dukes throwing down on the wife, and she has twice requested protection against him. He also rampaged into the middle school where she teaches, there it took the principal and a police deputy to calm him the fuck down at the school. I know sometimes ladies will stay together for the kids but hopefully Duke's wife gets the fuck out if she hasn't already.
3. Phil Hartman's Wife
Brynn Hartman is the second woman in the top five and is a no brainer for making the list. Her homicidal rampage that led to the death of the great Phil Hartman is just further proof that, in the words of Rick James, "cocaine's a hell of a drug." Anyways for those who don't know the story Hartman got in a argument with her husband Phil Hartman it got pretty heated, Phil goes to bed. Later in the night while drunk and coked out Brynn Shot Hartman twice in the head and once in the torso, ending the life of one of the funniest dudes of his time period. But anyways on with the countdown.
2. Mike Tyson
Tyson weighs in as our number two wifebeater list. It seemed Tyson didn't want to abandon his family to train for his boxing career so he decided to train against his wife he just didn't tell her first. In the infamous 1988 interview with Barbara Walters Tyson's wife explained to Walters the hellish ordeal that was living with Mike Tyson. Tyson sat their starting silently the entire time probably contemplating how his bare knuckle boxing match with the wife would play out when he got home. Tyson's ex-wife Robin Given's described what Tyson did to her while addressing the Rhianna situation: "He dragged me down the hall by my hair. He pulled me out of bed by my panties. He would like to choke me. He would kick." As you can see by the variety of beatings Tyson was laying on his wife it seems like he was the original mixed martial artist. Although not an offical mark on the domestic disturbance chart his daughter's recent death with circumstances that were almost as fishy as David Carradine's certainly raises a spockian eyebrow when you take Tyson's past into account.
1. Viggo Mortensen
Yeah totally full of shit despite that goatee Viggo aint no wife beater and we all know it, now for the actual number one.
1. Juice
No surprises here OJ gets the nod for the number one spot hands down. Seriously I wonder what happened with OJ before he went for his bloody glove night, like were him and a friend sitting at a bar having a discussion.
Friend: "I'm telling you you should teach her a lesson for running around with that Goldman clown"
Juice: "You know what... I'll do you one better."
But even before Simpson's double homicide night which technically can be debated he did have a history of fistacuffs with the ladies. Not only had there been reports of him roughing up the wife, he also had been accused of beating on some secretary but a Simpson employee found out some facts about the victim that she wanted to keep quiet so the case disappeared same with several other incidents.
As you can see from the top five, Chris Brown is a drop in the bucket, there are also several honourable mentions of people with some pretty crazy incidents that aren't fully documented or just not top 5 worthy:
William Shatner, may have drowned his wife
Yanni, headbutted his wife/gf
Bobby Brown, see post title.
Ike Turner, loved hitting women.
Christian Bale, abusing his mom/sister
Vince from Slapchop, beat up a hooker who bit his tongue.
Sean Merriman, roughed up Tila Tequila
Billy Dee Williams, drank too much Colt 45 wife beating ensued...every time.
AND THE LIST GOES ON
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Dineley on Movies: The GIimmer Man as well as awesome Steven Seagal Content
A few days ago during one of my sojourns through the bowels of the internet I stumbled upon something that changed the course of my life. Before encountering this phenomena I was under the impression that Shaq being a cop when he wasn't playing hoops was the best thing to happen in the world of policing since well ever. But when I saw the video I have posted below, everything that I had once held true was shaken to the core and I was left in awe of the awesomeness of what was about to be hitting my TV set this fall.
So as you can no doubt guess after I saw that there was really no way I could review anything but a Steven Seagal movie for my next review. Lucky for me I happen to be in proud possession of this gem of modern technology.
I had always hesitated reviewing another Seagal movie because I figured it would basically be a word for word redo of the other one just switching out the title of the movie. So I apologize in advance for any joke redundancy but hey well worth it. So without any further rambling bullshit compliments of yours truly, the review.
The most important thing to note about this movie is that even expecting a Seagal movie, his ridiculousness was barely able to make this film break The Wayans Law. For those who are unware of my made up law, it's the basic theory that if any of the Wayans brothers appear anywhere in the credits the movie will be basically unwatchable, and basically the more Wayans associated with the movie the worse it will be, case in point, see below:
So anyways the master thespian/fighting skills of were able to overpower the presence of Wayans. So just like every other Seagal movie ever, Seagal plays a lose cannon cop who was discovered by some traitorous government higher up in the Vietnam war. He was then recruited for some super secret elite task force but then goes AWOL halfway through he war because he was ethically at odds with what he was being asked to do. Anyways years later in his career as a karate super cop he gets embroiled in a real ugly case which ends up revolving around the guy that recruited him years ago.
Then of course when this is discovered the bad guy then spills the beans on Seagal's past which had been a source of great mystery to the other bad guys as well as the police. In the case of this movie we learn that Seagal was called "The Glimmer Man" by the enemy combatants. "There'd be nothing but jungle, then you'd see a glimmer, then you're dead."
All in all this movie was the usual mix of Seagal antics. The highlight for me, even though I knew it was fake, was Seagal feeding Wayans some powdered deer penis to swallow for his allergies. I kind of wish it had been real to force him to pay for all the bad movies he has forced down the worlds throat as if he was Lexington Steele and the world was some naive 18 year old white girl from blacks on blondes. The one element this movie was lacking was the semi good looking female love interest such as dirty tramp mother from CSI who was in Fire Down Below or this broad from Under Siege.
Although when I found this picture I'm pretty sure she has put on more wait than Seagal has since that movie was made.
Anyways, you all better get stoked for Law Man this fall on A&E because it's going to be the best shit ever. And if you missed me awesome review of Fire Down Below you should check it out because I think it's some of my finest work.
So as you can no doubt guess after I saw that there was really no way I could review anything but a Steven Seagal movie for my next review. Lucky for me I happen to be in proud possession of this gem of modern technology.
I had always hesitated reviewing another Seagal movie because I figured it would basically be a word for word redo of the other one just switching out the title of the movie. So I apologize in advance for any joke redundancy but hey well worth it. So without any further rambling bullshit compliments of yours truly, the review.
The most important thing to note about this movie is that even expecting a Seagal movie, his ridiculousness was barely able to make this film break The Wayans Law. For those who are unware of my made up law, it's the basic theory that if any of the Wayans brothers appear anywhere in the credits the movie will be basically unwatchable, and basically the more Wayans associated with the movie the worse it will be, case in point, see below:
So anyways the master thespian/fighting skills of were able to overpower the presence of Wayans. So just like every other Seagal movie ever, Seagal plays a lose cannon cop who was discovered by some traitorous government higher up in the Vietnam war. He was then recruited for some super secret elite task force but then goes AWOL halfway through he war because he was ethically at odds with what he was being asked to do. Anyways years later in his career as a karate super cop he gets embroiled in a real ugly case which ends up revolving around the guy that recruited him years ago.
Then of course when this is discovered the bad guy then spills the beans on Seagal's past which had been a source of great mystery to the other bad guys as well as the police. In the case of this movie we learn that Seagal was called "The Glimmer Man" by the enemy combatants. "There'd be nothing but jungle, then you'd see a glimmer, then you're dead."
All in all this movie was the usual mix of Seagal antics. The highlight for me, even though I knew it was fake, was Seagal feeding Wayans some powdered deer penis to swallow for his allergies. I kind of wish it had been real to force him to pay for all the bad movies he has forced down the worlds throat as if he was Lexington Steele and the world was some naive 18 year old white girl from blacks on blondes. The one element this movie was lacking was the semi good looking female love interest such as dirty tramp mother from CSI who was in Fire Down Below or this broad from Under Siege.
Although when I found this picture I'm pretty sure she has put on more wait than Seagal has since that movie was made.
Anyways, you all better get stoked for Law Man this fall on A&E because it's going to be the best shit ever. And if you missed me awesome review of Fire Down Below you should check it out because I think it's some of my finest work.
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