Cold filtered 69 times to bring out the douche
After what was an abysmal summer of shitty weather with Cytheriaesque levels of precipitation the sudden heatwave that struck last week was both unexpected and unwelcome. Not only was I back in the hallowed halls of higher learning which prevented me from enjoying the nice weather, when I was outside I was sweating more than Michael Jackson's doctor while the autopsy was being performed.
Anyways with the heat came the cravings for a frosty pint. And while my mind was on the subject of beer it got me thinking about how different beers are associated with different types of people. Case in point, most people who go out for a few pints of Boddington's are not going to be chumming it up with the Bud Light Lime crowd. Although if you ever catch a friend drinking Boddington's be sure to make fun of them because it's brand slogan is "the cream of Manchester" and drinking something called that absolutely SCREAMS "I putt from the rough." There I even gave you the joke. But in all seriousness we're doing another top five. and this time it's top douchebag beers. I must note though that with the exception of number one the others are in no particular order.
I also want to state that drinking one of these beers doesn't mean that you are automatically a douche, but if you find that you regularly drink all five chances are...
5. PBR (specifically cans)
While I myself have picked up a case of Pabst from time to time when James Ready was not available and I didn't have loads of money to spend, Pabst Blue Ribbon has become synonymous with the hipster movement almost to the degree of scarves, Nike Dunks, and shutter glasses. As shown by this douche here the Pabst can is a symbol of all that is awful (sorry for the repeat image).
Most people who have bottles of Pabst seem to be immune to the douche effects as far as I can tell
4. Heineken
Heineken is an easy choice as a douche beer, it's expensive served at all the douche hot spots, and tastes pretty shitty. It's basically an import beer for dummies, when you want to show the ladies that you're so much more sophisticated than the dirty plebes swilling on Canadian and Labatt you get yourself a Heineken. It's also good for those seeking to prove some sort of connection to German heritage, the same way all the people who say they're some fraction Irish so they love drinking Guinness. But anyways Heineken is associated with the douchiest of people, like the my new haircut guy, who happens to have made a triumphant return to the internet.
3. Corona
Oh Corona, I don't know how they pull it off. They put out a terrible tasting beer that is only barely palatable when you put a slice of lime in it, and charge a king's ransom for it, and people love it. Corona is somehow the number one selling import beer in America, although the country is knowing for having terrible tastes in beer. The beer is known to get a "skunky" taste when exposed to light, which is not a good trait for a beer served in a clear bottle. But anyways enough about the taste, what makes this a douche beer you're asking, and the answer is the price. I you can afford to buy Corona then you should spend that money on something that's actually good and not disgusting. It's another import beer for dummies like Heineken and unless you're in Mexico there is no reason to get hyped up about this beer.
2. Coors Light
The Coors brewing company survived prohibition by producing "near beer" and they never stopped. The Monty Python bit about American beer being like having sex in a canoe applies perfectly to Coors Light. What inspires people to drink this piss I have no idea. It seems they market themselves to the dumbest men around with their scandalous ads and partnering with Maxim another product which seems magnetized for douches. The picture below is a prime example.
Now although I'm as big a fan of hot sluts with tits as much as the next guy, I want a beer that sells itself with what it does for my mouth, not the false sexual expectations it sets, Family Guy nailed it with this one.
Also they're beers biggest selling point is that it's cold, but my anger with that is worthy of it's own post as I find that beyond upsetting.
1. Bud Light Lime
Whoever came up with the idea for Bud Light Lime (BLL) is a genius even though I think it's the worst beer ever. They basically said look at all the retards that buy Corona and put a lime in it and think it's the greatest thing in the world, and also pay an arm and a leg for it. So why don't we just make a sugary shitty citrus version of our light beer and sell it to all the people that already buy our light beer, and that buy Corona. If BLL is in fact just lime juiced up Bud Light, thats pretty gay and they are ripping people the fuck off charging a tonne for it, but props to them. But form what I've heard from the people I know who have tried it, is it is basically a cooler, and will give you a super shitty hangover/gut rot the next day if you were to drink enough of the shit to get drunk. Anyways it's good for all the Corona retards that lack the skills to operate a knife/lime, but overall I would wager that 93.48% of BLL drinkers would not find this joke funny.
Anyways with the heat came the cravings for a frosty pint. And while my mind was on the subject of beer it got me thinking about how different beers are associated with different types of people. Case in point, most people who go out for a few pints of Boddington's are not going to be chumming it up with the Bud Light Lime crowd. Although if you ever catch a friend drinking Boddington's be sure to make fun of them because it's brand slogan is "the cream of Manchester" and drinking something called that absolutely SCREAMS "I putt from the rough." There I even gave you the joke. But in all seriousness we're doing another top five. and this time it's top douchebag beers. I must note though that with the exception of number one the others are in no particular order.
I also want to state that drinking one of these beers doesn't mean that you are automatically a douche, but if you find that you regularly drink all five chances are...
5. PBR (specifically cans)
While I myself have picked up a case of Pabst from time to time when James Ready was not available and I didn't have loads of money to spend, Pabst Blue Ribbon has become synonymous with the hipster movement almost to the degree of scarves, Nike Dunks, and shutter glasses. As shown by this douche here the Pabst can is a symbol of all that is awful (sorry for the repeat image).
Most people who have bottles of Pabst seem to be immune to the douche effects as far as I can tell
4. Heineken
Heineken is an easy choice as a douche beer, it's expensive served at all the douche hot spots, and tastes pretty shitty. It's basically an import beer for dummies, when you want to show the ladies that you're so much more sophisticated than the dirty plebes swilling on Canadian and Labatt you get yourself a Heineken. It's also good for those seeking to prove some sort of connection to German heritage, the same way all the people who say they're some fraction Irish so they love drinking Guinness. But anyways Heineken is associated with the douchiest of people, like the my new haircut guy, who happens to have made a triumphant return to the internet.
3. Corona
Oh Corona, I don't know how they pull it off. They put out a terrible tasting beer that is only barely palatable when you put a slice of lime in it, and charge a king's ransom for it, and people love it. Corona is somehow the number one selling import beer in America, although the country is knowing for having terrible tastes in beer. The beer is known to get a "skunky" taste when exposed to light, which is not a good trait for a beer served in a clear bottle. But anyways enough about the taste, what makes this a douche beer you're asking, and the answer is the price. I you can afford to buy Corona then you should spend that money on something that's actually good and not disgusting. It's another import beer for dummies like Heineken and unless you're in Mexico there is no reason to get hyped up about this beer.
2. Coors Light
The Coors brewing company survived prohibition by producing "near beer" and they never stopped. The Monty Python bit about American beer being like having sex in a canoe applies perfectly to Coors Light. What inspires people to drink this piss I have no idea. It seems they market themselves to the dumbest men around with their scandalous ads and partnering with Maxim another product which seems magnetized for douches. The picture below is a prime example.
Now although I'm as big a fan of hot sluts with tits as much as the next guy, I want a beer that sells itself with what it does for my mouth, not the false sexual expectations it sets, Family Guy nailed it with this one.
Also they're beers biggest selling point is that it's cold, but my anger with that is worthy of it's own post as I find that beyond upsetting.
1. Bud Light Lime
Whoever came up with the idea for Bud Light Lime (BLL) is a genius even though I think it's the worst beer ever. They basically said look at all the retards that buy Corona and put a lime in it and think it's the greatest thing in the world, and also pay an arm and a leg for it. So why don't we just make a sugary shitty citrus version of our light beer and sell it to all the people that already buy our light beer, and that buy Corona. If BLL is in fact just lime juiced up Bud Light, thats pretty gay and they are ripping people the fuck off charging a tonne for it, but props to them. But form what I've heard from the people I know who have tried it, is it is basically a cooler, and will give you a super shitty hangover/gut rot the next day if you were to drink enough of the shit to get drunk. Anyways it's good for all the Corona retards that lack the skills to operate a knife/lime, but overall I would wager that 93.48% of BLL drinkers would not find this joke funny.
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