Chris Brown beat Rhianna, but NOBODY beats Whitney Houston

I just want to start this update off with a little disclaimer, I am in no way encouraging/condoning the actions of Chris Brown, although to be honest his music upsets me more than the fact that he beat up Rhianna. But anyways I'm not supporting his actions, just thought I'd put a little perspective on the issue since every week I'm still hearing about this stupid story.

So sometime many months ago Chris Brown decided to lay a beat down on Rhianna, up until that point the only time the words beat and Rhianna were used in the same sentence would be with the word "off" in very close proximity to beat, or when talking about how catchy her latest stupid song was. But for some reason Chris Brown the baby faced dancing clown lost his shit and gave her some hot fist on face action. Ever since then there has been a constant gaggle of bullshit "news" related to this incident slowly leaking out.

Most of the stories about the couple being sighted together, and CB still loving Rhianna and weather or not there is a restraining order in effect originate from the cum guzzling Sultan of useless information Perez Hilton, so they can be ignored. However I'm still hearing/reading things about this incident and it is really starting to bother me. Brown was not the first as Jay-Z so delightfully worded it to "strong arm a hoe" not only was he not the first but his actions were hardly the worst case of spousal abuse to occur.

So after that long winded setup here is the meat of this post, to show that Brown's actions were merely the tip of the wifebeating iceberg.

I with the help of some of my esteemed colleagues have compiled a top five Domestic Abuse list, as well as a few honourable mentions. Anyways here we go, starting at five.

5. Tonya Harding

Harding clocks in as the number five on the list. If we were compiling a list of the most batshit crazy people she would be the undisputed number one. As far as concrete evidence in regards to her spousal abuse it is spotty at best. She has several alleged attacks against boyfriends and husbands. While most of these incidents were not all savage they culminated in two separate incidents one involving a high speed car chase and another where she punched her boyfriend and beat him with a hubcap. The sheer lunacy of her antics is what compels Harding into the top five.

4. Elijah Dukes

Although professional athletes provide a metric fuck tonne of prospective abusers I settled on Elijah Dukes to be the one who makes it onto the countdown. While many abusive acts occur in the heat of the moment and are crimes of passion Dukes are at times more tactful, and also much less random, basically he means business. Duke sent a picture message of a gun to his wife's cell phone and left a voicemail which said: "You're dead dawg... your kids too." I'd also like to add that he the kids he threatened were his own kids. Police had to go break up a few sessions of Dukes throwing down on the wife, and she has twice requested protection against him. He also rampaged into the middle school where she teaches, there it took the principal and a police deputy to calm him the fuck down at the school. I know sometimes ladies will stay together for the kids but hopefully Duke's wife gets the fuck out if she hasn't already.

3. Phil Hartman's Wife

Brynn Hartman is the second woman in the top five and is a no brainer for making the list. Her homicidal rampage that led to the death of the great Phil Hartman is just further proof that, in the words of Rick James, "cocaine's a hell of a drug." Anyways for those who don't know the story Hartman got in a argument with her husband Phil Hartman it got pretty heated, Phil goes to bed. Later in the night while drunk and coked out Brynn Shot Hartman twice in the head and once in the torso, ending the life of one of the funniest dudes of his time period. But anyways on with the countdown.

2. Mike Tyson

Tyson weighs in as our number two wifebeater list. It seemed Tyson didn't want to abandon his family to train for his boxing career so he decided to train against his wife he just didn't tell her first. In the infamous 1988 interview with Barbara Walters Tyson's wife explained to Walters the hellish ordeal that was living with Mike Tyson. Tyson sat their starting silently the entire time probably contemplating how his bare knuckle boxing match with the wife would play out when he got home. Tyson's ex-wife Robin Given's described what Tyson did to her while addressing the Rhianna situation: "He dragged me down the hall by my hair. He pulled me out of bed by my panties. He would like to choke me. He would kick." As you can see by the variety of beatings Tyson was laying on his wife it seems like he was the original mixed martial artist. Although not an offical mark on the domestic disturbance chart his daughter's recent death with circumstances that were almost as fishy as David Carradine's certainly raises a spockian eyebrow when you take Tyson's past into account.

1. Viggo Mortensen

Yeah totally full of shit despite that goatee Viggo aint no wife beater and we all know it, now for the actual number one.

1. Juice

No surprises here OJ gets the nod for the number one spot hands down. Seriously I wonder what happened with OJ before he went for his bloody glove night, like were him and a friend sitting at a bar having a discussion.
Friend: "I'm telling you you should teach her a lesson for running around with that Goldman clown"
Juice: "You know what... I'll do you one better."

But even before Simpson's double homicide night which technically can be debated he did have a history of fistacuffs with the ladies. Not only had there been reports of him roughing up the wife, he also had been accused of beating on some secretary but a Simpson employee found out some facts about the victim that she wanted to keep quiet so the case disappeared same with several other incidents.

As you can see from the top five, Chris Brown is a drop in the bucket, there are also several honourable mentions of people with some pretty crazy incidents that aren't fully documented or just not top 5 worthy:

William Shatner, may have drowned his wife
Yanni, headbutted his wife/gf
Bobby Brown, see post title.
Ike Turner, loved hitting women.
Christian Bale, abusing his mom/sister
Vince from Slapchop, beat up a hooker who bit his tongue.
Sean Merriman, roughed up Tila Tequila
Billy Dee Williams, drank too much Colt 45 wife beating ensued...every time.


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