Dineley on Movies Double Penetration Edition: Transformers.... for real
As fate would have it within days of my Michael Bay/Transformers blog I somehow ended up watching both of the Transformer movies, rather serendipitous I know. Anyways upon watching the first one I was amazed that they could make a movie that shitty, then I saw the second one and thought, I can't believe I was so hard on the first one.
I'll be brief in my review of the first movie because to be honest I had been partaking of the devils lettuce prior to and during the viewing of this film. Besides wonderful performances from the always entertaining John Turturro and Jon Voight this movie was nothing more than cluster fuck of shitty story lines that came together like butt cheeks in one of the most awful movie endings ever.
I mean one of the Decepticons bricks an entire army base, yet a bunch of them are being held off by like 10 soldiers but whatever, they focused too much on the fucking underdeveloped bone smoker Shia TheBeef and not enough on the giant robots that can turn into cars. Oh also the 30 foot tall robots were ridiculously sneaky, and by sneaky I mean walking around in the most obvious manner possible without anybody seeing them. I mean they were in such blatant plain sight I can't think of a single black piano player who wouldn't be able to see them.
But now onto the second and far worse movie Revenge of the Fallen. This movie was fucking terrible, and when I say terrible I mean it, like this shit was Wayans brothers bad.
Before the movie even got to the out of control helicopters and explosions that Bay is famous for it was just awful. It was chock full of lame Disneyesque attempts at "dirty" double entendres. Not only that the robots were making gay jokes, racist jokes, blow job jokes and fawning over Megan Fox. The robots were also voiced as cheesy black guys trying to be thug, and one was vaguely reminiscent of Steve Buscemi. Now I didn't find any of the jokes offensive, but I mean they're robots not the Wayans brothers... sorry for the double reference, but when I think about black people and not funny the Wayans brothers are the first thing that comes to mind, with Hotel Rwanda coming up in a distant second place. But on a fawning over Megan Fox note this movie featured this one broad who was so hot that Megan Fox had the sex appeal of a Thai lady boy compared to this piece of ass. Another terrible thing about this movie was the annoying latino sidekick straight out of a D-list buddy cop movie.
But anyways the movie ends with like an hour long mission to travel like two kilometers a journey which is filled with every terrible movie clichee imaginable. They follow up this epic waste of time with a robot fight that lasts like 45 second that has Optimus Prime absolutely shit pump the fuck out of the main bad guys. This is the same Prime who couldn't even kill Megatron without the hell of roast beef boy in the first movie who now just one shot kills Megatron and "The Fallen".
They really should have cut down on the terrible sprint to Optimus and beefed up the robot fight a bit more since it is a Transformers movie after all. The way the movie ended was the equivalent of beating off in a girls face for like an hour and a half and just as you think your arm is about to fall of you blast her face with a few drops of blood and a gust of hot air, then you fall into a heap in tears.
Also both movies introduced random piles of robots out of nowhere far to often with no introduction as to who the fuck they were but anyways, both movies were awful please don't go see them. I won't even put the pictures for them in the blog and do for the movies what the movies did for GM.
I'll be brief in my review of the first movie because to be honest I had been partaking of the devils lettuce prior to and during the viewing of this film. Besides wonderful performances from the always entertaining John Turturro and Jon Voight this movie was nothing more than cluster fuck of shitty story lines that came together like butt cheeks in one of the most awful movie endings ever.
I mean one of the Decepticons bricks an entire army base, yet a bunch of them are being held off by like 10 soldiers but whatever, they focused too much on the fucking underdeveloped bone smoker Shia TheBeef and not enough on the giant robots that can turn into cars. Oh also the 30 foot tall robots were ridiculously sneaky, and by sneaky I mean walking around in the most obvious manner possible without anybody seeing them. I mean they were in such blatant plain sight I can't think of a single black piano player who wouldn't be able to see them.
But now onto the second and far worse movie Revenge of the Fallen. This movie was fucking terrible, and when I say terrible I mean it, like this shit was Wayans brothers bad.
Before the movie even got to the out of control helicopters and explosions that Bay is famous for it was just awful. It was chock full of lame Disneyesque attempts at "dirty" double entendres. Not only that the robots were making gay jokes, racist jokes, blow job jokes and fawning over Megan Fox. The robots were also voiced as cheesy black guys trying to be thug, and one was vaguely reminiscent of Steve Buscemi. Now I didn't find any of the jokes offensive, but I mean they're robots not the Wayans brothers... sorry for the double reference, but when I think about black people and not funny the Wayans brothers are the first thing that comes to mind, with Hotel Rwanda coming up in a distant second place. But on a fawning over Megan Fox note this movie featured this one broad who was so hot that Megan Fox had the sex appeal of a Thai lady boy compared to this piece of ass. Another terrible thing about this movie was the annoying latino sidekick straight out of a D-list buddy cop movie.
But anyways the movie ends with like an hour long mission to travel like two kilometers a journey which is filled with every terrible movie clichee imaginable. They follow up this epic waste of time with a robot fight that lasts like 45 second that has Optimus Prime absolutely shit pump the fuck out of the main bad guys. This is the same Prime who couldn't even kill Megatron without the hell of roast beef boy in the first movie who now just one shot kills Megatron and "The Fallen".
They really should have cut down on the terrible sprint to Optimus and beefed up the robot fight a bit more since it is a Transformers movie after all. The way the movie ended was the equivalent of beating off in a girls face for like an hour and a half and just as you think your arm is about to fall of you blast her face with a few drops of blood and a gust of hot air, then you fall into a heap in tears.
Also both movies introduced random piles of robots out of nowhere far to often with no introduction as to who the fuck they were but anyways, both movies were awful please don't go see them. I won't even put the pictures for them in the blog and do for the movies what the movies did for GM.
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