Send in the Clowns

In my time off of the blog I have been performing stand up comedy, and the sadness of the clown is real. Maybe may experiences just boil down to me being boring and intolerable, but for the sake of this post lets assume that to not be true.

It honestly fucks with your head a lot to be able to make about 100 people pay attention to you and make them laugh for eight minutes, and then the show ends and you vanish silently into the night alone. It's a one way emotional connection, of you baring your soul, your life experiences, and in some cases such as mine your sick and twisted life perspective in an attempt to bring joy to others.

In the end even if you kill it, tell all the right jokes, keep your timing perfect, you're only remembered at best as a faceless nameless moment in the evening of those in attendance. You lay it all on the line in hopes of hearing a "That fourth guy was totally the funniest", muttered between a group of friends as they pass by you as if you don't even exist on the physical plane.

Obviously through hard work, good luck and the will to never give up, you can become more than just the fourth guy, as evidenced by the fact that their are famous comedians, and artists, and musicians and authors, as I'm sure all who create things for the joy of others feel this sort of isolation at some point on their journey.

Perhaps it's just a bout of self pity but I feel that with comedy that isolation stings more. With music and writing and fine art, when you are creating in a void you can fall back on the fact that people just don't get it, they aren't ready, what you are creating is too dangerous for people to get close, which is what every artist really wants.

However with comedy the people laugh, you know they fucking get it because they laughed, so they either get it or they are incredibly dishonest for the sake of being embarrassed to be the ones that DON'T GET IT.  If the people laugh they clearly must understand, and they must be able to connect.

But I guess not, either way, I will keep telling jokes, I will keep filling rooms with laughter so that I can leave in silence in a cloud of self loathing watching the others leave with a smile on their face knowing that my work lives on in that smile, until they forget.

So its on that note that I've learned my place in the universe at least for now, I'm the one you laugh with, but you learn to live without. However credit for that goes to one of my favourite bands Brand New, who recently released an album that you should all check out.