There is No Override...

Let's Give This Another Try

2010-09-08T23:24:00.000-07:00

So as anybody who checks here semi regularly, ie once every couple of months would be able to tell... I haven't really been doing much of anything on here in that time.

Laziness as well as the fact that my layout got fucked up and I hate how it looks now were the main contributors to this complete lack of new content, also I blame summer as I was out and about a lot enjoying the wonderful weather.

Anyways I've gotten the itch to keep this shit going again not really sure why or what topics of discussion I'll be going after but hopefully there will be some sort of fun/funny stuff to talk about.

This post right here is basically my brain wandering so you'll have to excuse me for any lack of coherence in the post as it's not getting any editing just straight to being published.

Anyways the whole it being 2:30 in the morning thing just clicked inside my brain which has now decided to stop functioning. I was in the mood to do a big rant about some Rogers/Cito Gaston issues involving the Blue Jays but that can wait for another day.

Oh and in other new Dineley on Movies gives Inception like 68 thumbs up. Also anyone who hasn't seen the preview for The Town fucking go watch it, actually stay right here and watch it.

And to all you ignorant ass punk ass bitches who are Ben Affleck haters just remember kids.... HE WAS THE BOMB IN PHANTOMS!!!!!!

And I'm out...

Fuckers

2010-07-25T07:18:00.001-07:00

So I was glancing through my posts from days gone by and discovered that like half of my video links are now broken because the corporate idiots that run things in this world don't understand how the fucking internet should work.

For example I had a video clip from South Park which was hilarious, but apparently Viacom decided it should remove that from the internet since they owned the property. Seriously what money are they missing out on from people watching a 30 second clip from their show on the internet for free.

If those inbred retards had any concept of how things work they would leave those clips up there, hell they would publish them themselves, hilarious clips from every episode, because then people like me would post the links to it and people who would never watch South Park would see the clip and laugh and think "Hey maybe I should watch that show sometime."

The same thing goes for music and music videos. Luckily music execs are slowly waking up to the fact that YouTube and Napster are completely different animals and it's not 1998 so they need to chill the fuck out. Having songs and/or music videos available on YouTube is the best fucking thing they can have going for them.

Now that MTV and Much Music decided that they'd rather fill the airwaves with a bunch of shit reality shows and teen drama shit instead of music YouTube becomes the best way to get music videos to an audience. Yet still videos get taken down, or "not available in my region." Like seriously I hope they choke on my nutsack for being so fucking stupid.

Rap/Hiphop is the music that is making the most money for their artists right now and the reason is... wait for it. THEY'RE GIVING MUSIC AWAY FOR FREE!!!!!

That's right mixtapes and other free recordings that people can listen to get people interested in the band, much the same way seeing a music video on TV used to do, so people listen to free mixtape then go buy the album or concert tickets.

Anyways this rant has gone on much longer than I anticipated and was really just triggered by my anger that so many of the funniest things I wanted to share with you people are gone forever, such as Norm McDonald's moth joke. Fucking tragic.

Lebron James is a bitch, so is Chris Bosh

2010-07-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

For many many years I have hated Lebron James. I will admit he is an incredible basketball player and is freakishly athletic, but he has always been a little bitch.

All his talk of his brand and his world wide image and blah blah blah blah, maybe he should shut his mouth and fucking win something. He then drove the fact that he's a little bitch home by not shaking hands with the Magic after bowing out in the Eastern Finals in 2009. A year later Cleveland gets humiliated by the Celtics and he's a ghost in the series.

So the long awaited free agency period comes and here comes the moment for Lebron to seize the day and drown out all that little bitch behaviour from the past.

But instead of staying in his home state where the people love him and willing a team to a championship he goes and joins up with Bosh and D Wade in Miami. Now I get that he wants to win, but he seriously just killed his career legacy, if he had won even one title in Cleveland he would have been immortalized in Ohio forever.

Now he goes down to South Beach and even if they win 5 NBA titles in a row, (I predict zero title wins by the way) it doesn't mean anything. The debate of Lebron vs Kobe is now over Lebron took himself out of the running by being a little bitch.

History will remember him now as just a footnote a member of "the big 3" that fucked with the process of free agency.

I got no problems with D Wade I must say, he won his ring already and stayed with his team whatever. But Lebron is a little bitch, and Chris Bosh is lesser little bitch.

Both Bosh and Lebron had the chance to become something more than just a player. Lebron was obviously Lebron and almost any decision besides the one he made would have been better for his status as an elite player in the league.

Bosh on the other hand had the chance to not only be the franchise guy with Toronto but the face of all professional sports in the 4th largest sports market in North America. With the Maple Leafs in a laughable state, the Blue Jays several years away from contention with no real star power, Chris Bosh was IT in Toronto.

Maybe he'll have more fun wearing white suits with plaid bowties in Miami, hell he may even do some sweet commercials with Charles Barkley, but he's nothing more than Wade and Lebrons lap dog now.

Either way I'll enjoy watching them all play on Christmas day hopefully they will play Oklahoma City and lose to Durant who is actually the next best player in the league besides my man Kobe Bryant.

And on an actual basketball note, who the hell are these three guys going to play with?? Michael Beasley is a chump their salary cap is basically completely used up, maybe Brian Scalbrine is available on the cheap?? This team isn't going to win shit all except a few division titles because their division is a joke.

Jerry Lambert Appreciation

2010-03-12T13:32:00.000-08:00

Now I'm sure many of you read the title of this post and said "Who the fuck is Jerry Lambert?" And that is understandable as to most of the world he is much better known as Kevin Butler. For those you who are still at a loss, I mean this fine gentleman.

Kevin Butler throughout his tenure working at PlayStation has given us a plethora of amazing ads. There was the classic Dustin Pedroia ad which I believe was the Maiden Voyage of HMS Kevin Butler, but from there things took off.

Now I'm sure you don't just need me to post a bunch of PlayStation commercial links cause that defeats the point of you coming here when you could just go to YouTube for yourself if you actually like them. So anyways here's my favourite one.

Now I must point out that long before the days of Kevin Butler dominating the airwaves Lambert was featured in another amazing ad campaign for Holiday Inn. Below is one of the crown jewels of that campaign for your enjoyment.

The Holiday Inn ads were where my love for Jerry Lambert first began and now it has blossomed into what it is today in this blog post. Lambert has a brilliant ad about everything from hotel points to fake tanning, and a little Joe Buck inbetween, hope you guys enjoyed the Lambert more meaningful stuff on deck

Countdown continues

2010-01-11T08:41:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry about the delay getting this one out, I started on number three but then got super busy so I figured I would just get number four released to give all you lovely people something to read.

4. John Daly
Number four on the list is one of Tiger's PGA counterparts John Daly. John Daly is a party animal and an inspiration to big men everywhere. Daly has been in and out of rehab programs for his heavy drinking. These don't seem to have worked very well as in late 2008 he was taken into custody after being found drunk outside a Hooters restaurant.

Drinking isn't the only vice Daly has been involved with admitting to using cocaine and claiming that a large number of golfers also use cocaine. He also apparently lost over between 50 and 60 million dollars to gambling over the last 15 years. Not only does he party hard this guy does serious work with the ladies for an overweight golfer. Not only has he had four wives but he somehow manages to get more women to expose their breasts than the Mickleson family's oncologist as displayed in the photo below.

The only other man of his build that can be found out on the town with a better posse is the insufferable Jon Lovitz.

Basically John Daly seems to be the Chris Farley of athletes although the "athlete" part can be debated. Even as the number four athlete on the countdown Daly is making Tiger Woods look like a saint and this guy is a fellow golfer who are generally pretty clean cut in the world of athletes.

Number three on the list will hopefully be out sometime over the course of the weekend, but we're taking a trip into MLB for our next stop.

Top 5 Debaucherous Athletes.... part uno

2010-01-06T14:05:00.000-08:00

So as everyone knows in December 2009 Tiger Woods went from being a respected black gentleman to an adulterer who was getting dropped by sponsors faster than a handful of change by Michael J. Fox. In all seriousness though this should have been expected, it would take more intestinal fortitude than most people have to turn down the international pussy train that would be afforded to the most paid and dominant athlete ever. If he had been a one woman man it would have just been a waste of his situation. But that's besides the point, we're now going to take a look at some of the athletes how enjoy partying and getting down. I'm not going to keep it strictly to womanizing because that just gets lame and repetitive and leaves out some hilarious stuff.

While writing these out I think I'm going to release them a few at a time as it would get ridiculously long to put them all in the same post as well as the intro/conclusion.

5. Ed Belfour

We'll start of the list with one of my favourites Ed Belfour, not only was he part of the closest thing the Maple Leafs have had to glory years since 1967 but he also parties hard and I respect that. As you can see from the picture here Ed Belfour loves to party. Two incidents in particular that are hilarious about his partying though.

The first was when a woman called the police because she was frightened by drunken old Eddie while they were in a hotel room together. Police arrived and took Belfour into custody, in the police cruiser Eddie tried to strike up a deal with his captors offering them 1 billion dollars for his freedom. Now not only are the circumstances leading up to his arrest hilarious but the offer for 1 billion dollars is equally jokes as the only athlete who could come close to paying 1 billion for their release is my man Tiger Woods, and without all the cheddar he'd have a hard time hanging onto all his hoes.

Second hilarious incident involving Eddie took place in Manitoba. Belfour was born and raised in Carman Manitoba. Now in a lot of the smaller towns and outposts in Manitoba they have what are called socials. Basically just a big sweet potluck type affair with most of the town. Anyways as you can imagine socials are a pretty big deal, so get your tickets early. One person who didn't get his ticket early was our good friend Eddie, who arrived rather late at a social during the off season, he had no ticket and was super drunk as per usual and was denied entry to the social. Furious about their refusal to allow him inside he began making a big deal shouting "I'm Ed Belfour" before eventually being taken away by friends.

There was also a mysterious incident that happened while he was playing on the Florida Panthers that led to the other goalie on the team Alex Auld getting injured, whether this was an altercation or merely drunken shennanigans I have been unable to confirm but still sweet nonetheless.

And Back

2010-01-06T13:07:00.000-08:00

I want to start of the first post of 2010 with an apology for my shitting of the bad for the last 3 months. I really didn't have my act together in any aspect of my life and the blog and my schooling suffered the most so to anyone who checked back occasionally hoping for a chuckle my bad, hopefully I'll make it up to you with some new excellent content forthcoming.

I must admit though one of the biggest culprits in my failure at blogging can be seen below.

This fellow has taken up far to much of my time lately and I don't even have a hilarious story to show for it like that kid from Barrie.

For those of you haven't heard about the latest adventures of a gamer kid from Barrie you can read up on that shit right here.

Thats right Barrie Ontario had another kid run away from home because of video games. Although this story is much more hilarious than Brandon Crisp freezing in a forest. When I read this story I can't help but feel bad for the kid. He manages to somehow seduce some older "sugar momma" while living a painfully lame/anti social life, and then he gets in shit for it and she gets arrested.

As you can see the kid is one heinous ginger specimen. Even telling this broad that he was 20 instead of 16 I can't understand why she would want anything to do with that kid. Like if your going to get charged for child sex stuff at least make it worth your while, this kid is clearly no Jonbenet Ramsey.

But the whole time reading this story there was one particular scene that just seemed to capture the situation too, and I don't just say that because I have a soft spot for the older ladies.

Anyways more stuff in the very near future and I'll try and keep a pace of at least 2 updates per week. A long overdue Tiger Woods feature will be arriving shortly, so yeah happy 2010 to all of you and have a NICE!! day.

YouTube Idol (Why I'm going to hell)

2009-09-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

YouTube has played a gigantic part in the proliferation of random shit on internet. Coupled with webcams and cell phone's with video cameras has spawned a generation of amature videographers, and no this has nothing to do with the BangBus.

YouTube is home to aspiring musicians putting their performances online leaving themselves exposed to the denizens of the internet and all their opinions.

One person who put up a clusterfuck worth of video's was this one guy named Ian. Ian is what you might call a "differently abled" specimen. One thing that developed ok was his vanity and love for singing. One of his most moving renditions is of One Republic's Apologize seen below.

Now normally when people rate things they do it on a scale of five stars or thumbs up or down. However upon watching this video I found the need for a new rating scale, and wasn't sure if it would earn THIS or THIS

Upon first watching this and finding myself dying of laughter I immediatley thought what a terrible person I must be. What reenforced my feelings of being completley void of compassion was the total lack of negative YouTube comments. All the comments mentioned how amazing a singer he was, and how he was awesome. I went to bed that night praying that he just moderated his comments and that I infact was not the worst specimen on the internet. When buddies channel went down and his video was reposted the negative comments flooded in and my faith in myself was restored a little bit.

However Ian's stranglehold on the retard YouTube singing charts is under attack from some girl named ChickBrook.

(In my best Ryan Seacrest typing voice) And now it's up to you the voters to decide who wins the Facepalm crown.

Now in attempt to aleviate my guilt I will also put myself up on trial. Below you will find a music video that I did for grade 11 comm tech. Procrastination and a lack of good software led to no drums being recorded and me attempting to patch in a beat using one shot cymbal hit loops and such. During the middle of the video we have the ultimate concept failure. What was supposed to be a Chinese fire drill in which the passenger of the van steals the van and leaves the rest of the band standing alone, however by accidentley deleting the sound that accompanied the video and having shot it from the wrong camera angle the magic wasn't really captured. I was also trying this interesting method of singing which was a mix of singing poorly and talking. We ended up writing a better version of this song after and it was pretty awesome but this is the rough draft when we sucked at music, video editing and haircuts.

Also to encourage reader participation in the blog if someone can find/create something that tops the double facepalm picture that would be wicked awesome.

Oh and just remember kids, you should never throw a bong kit... ever!

Wood in the woods

2009-09-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

I had been holding off on posting this for a while because I really didn't know what to say about it, but I think the video clips below are basically self explanatory.

Take this is a warning of what terrible things might happen when you mix serious amounts of alcohol, and nothing to do. Also video cameras on cell phones are a terrible invention as normally this type of footage would have gone undocumented and only seen by those were actually present.

There is a thrd part to this ill fated day's events, BUT it's pretty disturbing so I'll let you find that on your own, it's really not that difficult to track down, but it just makes it easeier for those with less of a tolerance for exposed man flesh to not watch the clip.

Also before you judge us on our actions give us some credit for a job well done that day.

Kanye West/Patrick Swayze

2009-09-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

These two characters/stories got themselves intertwined rather inadvertently just based on the T.O.D on Swayze. I remember a little over a year ago there was a rumour that Patrick Swayze had died of pancreatic cancer, and for some reason I thought that was the funniest thing. While I usually have no problems making light of celebrity death for some reason the Swayze death comment just made me burst out laughing which is a little harsh even by my standards. But either way I loved the "they're making a sequel to Ghost" jokes which circulated briefly.

Now he's actually gone, and I'm mad as hell because he kicked the bucket 3 months to early. Back when MJ and the other host of celebrities kicked the bucket back in the summer it opened the door for one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard in my life which was:

What are Michael Jackson, Farah Fawcett, and Billy Mays getting for Christmas?

Patrick Swayze

As you can all now see that joke was so close to coming true it was almost uncanny.

But now just as MJ overshadowed the week of celebrity death in the summer, Kanye West is going to overshadow Swayze because he has the biggest ego of all time.

For any of you who don't know about Kanye's little award show thing, I really don't know how you found my blog because if you have the web savvy to get here you should have encountered something about Kanye.

But anyways after that little incident the internet has the denizens of the internet on high alert looking for things for Kanye to interrupt. So what started with Obama has now gone on to new heights with the death of Swayze as seen below. I'm sure most of you have seen/heard this bit already but if not I'm glad I could share it with you.

Leave Kanye alone though the guy is cocky and a bit irritating but whatever, someone I respect pointed out that Kanye seems to be getting more shit for crashing the stage then Chris Brown did for his little antics, and sadly it's true... what's the world coming to.

Some guy beats the fuck out of his GF and we're more worried about little miss millionaire Taylor Swift who had an awkward two minutes at an award show because Kanye wanted to show off his new crazy haircut.

Also Kanye made fun of himself for his awards show behaviour years ago and it was hilarious.

Can't find an embed code that works but HERE IT IS SO AWESOME

Anyways I will always remember Swayze as the guy that looked kinda like Jeff Bridges but wasn't a total tool, and as "The President of the Dance" thanks to an inspired comedic performance by Denis Leary, anyways enjoy.

Cold filtered 69 times to bring out the douche

2009-09-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

After what was an abysmal summer of shitty weather with Cytheriaesque levels of precipitation the sudden heatwave that struck last week was both unexpected and unwelcome. Not only was I back in the hallowed halls of higher learning which prevented me from enjoying the nice weather, when I was outside I was sweating more than Michael Jackson's doctor while the autopsy was being performed.

Anyways with the heat came the cravings for a frosty pint. And while my mind was on the subject of beer it got me thinking about how different beers are associated with different types of people. Case in point, most people who go out for a few pints of Boddington's are not going to be chumming it up with the Bud Light Lime crowd. Although if you ever catch a friend drinking Boddington's be sure to make fun of them because it's brand slogan is "the cream of Manchester" and drinking something called that absolutely SCREAMS "I putt from the rough." There I even gave you the joke. But in all seriousness we're doing another top five. and this time it's top douchebag beers. I must note though that with the exception of number one the others are in no particular order.

I also want to state that drinking one of these beers doesn't mean that you are automatically a douche, but if you find that you regularly drink all five chances are...

5. PBR (specifically cans)
While I myself have picked up a case of Pabst from time to time when James Ready was not available and I didn't have loads of money to spend, Pabst Blue Ribbon has become synonymous with the hipster movement almost to the degree of scarves, Nike Dunks, and shutter glasses. As shown by this douche here the Pabst can is a symbol of all that is awful (sorry for the repeat image).

Most people who have bottles of Pabst seem to be immune to the douche effects as far as I can tell

4. Heineken
Heineken is an easy choice as a douche beer, it's expensive served at all the douche hot spots, and tastes pretty shitty. It's basically an import beer for dummies, when you want to show the ladies that you're so much more sophisticated than the dirty plebes swilling on Canadian and Labatt you get yourself a Heineken. It's also good for those seeking to prove some sort of connection to German heritage, the same way all the people who say they're some fraction Irish so they love drinking Guinness. But anyways Heineken is associated with the douchiest of people, like the my new haircut guy, who happens to have made a triumphant return to the internet.

3. Corona
Oh Corona, I don't know how they pull it off. They put out a terrible tasting beer that is only barely palatable when you put a slice of lime in it, and charge a king's ransom for it, and people love it. Corona is somehow the number one selling import beer in America, although the country is knowing for having terrible tastes in beer. The beer is known to get a "skunky" taste when exposed to light, which is not a good trait for a beer served in a clear bottle. But anyways enough about the taste, what makes this a douche beer you're asking, and the answer is the price. I you can afford to buy Corona then you should spend that money on something that's actually good and not disgusting. It's another import beer for dummies like Heineken and unless you're in Mexico there is no reason to get hyped up about this beer.

2. Coors Light
The Coors brewing company survived prohibition by producing "near beer" and they never stopped. The Monty Python bit about American beer being like having sex in a canoe applies perfectly to Coors Light. What inspires people to drink this piss I have no idea. It seems they market themselves to the dumbest men around with their scandalous ads and partnering with Maxim another product which seems magnetized for douches. The picture below is a prime example.

Now although I'm as big a fan of hot sluts with tits as much as the next guy, I want a beer that sells itself with what it does for my mouth, not the false sexual expectations it sets, Family Guy nailed it with this one.

Also they're beers biggest selling point is that it's cold, but my anger with that is worthy of it's own post as I find that beyond upsetting.

1. Bud Light Lime
Whoever came up with the idea for Bud Light Lime (BLL) is a genius even though I think it's the worst beer ever. They basically said look at all the retards that buy Corona and put a lime in it and think it's the greatest thing in the world, and also pay an arm and a leg for it. So why don't we just make a sugary shitty citrus version of our light beer and sell it to all the people that already buy our light beer, and that buy Corona. If BLL is in fact just lime juiced up Bud Light, thats pretty gay and they are ripping people the fuck off charging a tonne for it, but props to them. But form what I've heard from the people I know who have tried it, is it is basically a cooler, and will give you a super shitty hangover/gut rot the next day if you were to drink enough of the shit to get drunk. Anyways it's good for all the Corona retards that lack the skills to operate a knife/lime, but overall I would wager that 93.48% of BLL drinkers would not find this joke funny.

Chris Brown beat Rhianna, but NOBODY beats Whitney Houston

2009-09-07T17:12:00.000-07:00

I just want to start this update off with a little disclaimer, I am in no way encouraging/condoning the actions of Chris Brown, although to be honest his music upsets me more than the fact that he beat up Rhianna. But anyways I'm not supporting his actions, just thought I'd put a little perspective on the issue since every week I'm still hearing about this stupid story.

So sometime many months ago Chris Brown decided to lay a beat down on Rhianna, up until that point the only time the words beat and Rhianna were used in the same sentence would be with the word "off" in very close proximity to beat, or when talking about how catchy her latest stupid song was. But for some reason Chris Brown the baby faced dancing clown lost his shit and gave her some hot fist on face action. Ever since then there has been a constant gaggle of bullshit "news" related to this incident slowly leaking out.

Most of the stories about the couple being sighted together, and CB still loving Rhianna and weather or not there is a restraining order in effect originate from the cum guzzling Sultan of useless information Perez Hilton, so they can be ignored. However I'm still hearing/reading things about this incident and it is really starting to bother me. Brown was not the first as Jay-Z so delightfully worded it to "strong arm a hoe" not only was he not the first but his actions were hardly the worst case of spousal abuse to occur.

So after that long winded setup here is the meat of this post, to show that Brown's actions were merely the tip of the wifebeating iceberg.

I with the help of some of my esteemed colleagues have compiled a top five Domestic Abuse list, as well as a few honourable mentions. Anyways here we go, starting at five.

5. Tonya Harding

Harding clocks in as the number five on the list. If we were compiling a list of the most batshit crazy people she would be the undisputed number one. As far as concrete evidence in regards to her spousal abuse it is spotty at best. She has several alleged attacks against boyfriends and husbands. While most of these incidents were not all savage they culminated in two separate incidents one involving a high speed car chase and another where she punched her boyfriend and beat him with a hubcap. The sheer lunacy of her antics is what compels Harding into the top five.

4. Elijah Dukes

Although professional athletes provide a metric fuck tonne of prospective abusers I settled on Elijah Dukes to be the one who makes it onto the countdown. While many abusive acts occur in the heat of the moment and are crimes of passion Dukes are at times more tactful, and also much less random, basically he means business. Duke sent a picture message of a gun to his wife's cell phone and left a voicemail which said: "You're dead dawg... your kids too." I'd also like to add that he the kids he threatened were his own kids. Police had to go break up a few sessions of Dukes throwing down on the wife, and she has twice requested protection against him. He also rampaged into the middle school where she teaches, there it took the principal and a police deputy to calm him the fuck down at the school. I know sometimes ladies will stay together for the kids but hopefully Duke's wife gets the fuck out if she hasn't already.

3. Phil Hartman's Wife

Brynn Hartman is the second woman in the top five and is a no brainer for making the list. Her homicidal rampage that led to the death of the great Phil Hartman is just further proof that, in the words of Rick James, "cocaine's a hell of a drug." Anyways for those who don't know the story Hartman got in a argument with her husband Phil Hartman it got pretty heated, Phil goes to bed. Later in the night while drunk and coked out Brynn Shot Hartman twice in the head and once in the torso, ending the life of one of the funniest dudes of his time period. But anyways on with the countdown.

2. Mike Tyson

Tyson weighs in as our number two wifebeater list. It seemed Tyson didn't want to abandon his family to train for his boxing career so he decided to train against his wife he just didn't tell her first. In the infamous 1988 interview with Barbara Walters Tyson's wife explained to Walters the hellish ordeal that was living with Mike Tyson. Tyson sat their starting silently the entire time probably contemplating how his bare knuckle boxing match with the wife would play out when he got home. Tyson's ex-wife Robin Given's described what Tyson did to her while addressing the Rhianna situation: "He dragged me down the hall by my hair. He pulled me out of bed by my panties. He would like to choke me. He would kick." As you can see by the variety of beatings Tyson was laying on his wife it seems like he was the original mixed martial artist. Although not an offical mark on the domestic disturbance chart his daughter's recent death with circumstances that were almost as fishy as David Carradine's certainly raises a spockian eyebrow when you take Tyson's past into account.

1. Viggo Mortensen

Yeah totally full of shit despite that goatee Viggo aint no wife beater and we all know it, now for the actual number one.

1. Juice

No surprises here OJ gets the nod for the number one spot hands down. Seriously I wonder what happened with OJ before he went for his bloody glove night, like were him and a friend sitting at a bar having a discussion.
Friend: "I'm telling you you should teach her a lesson for running around with that Goldman clown"
Juice: "You know what... I'll do you one better."
But even before Simpson's double homicide night which technically can be debated he did have a history of fistacuffs with the ladies. Not only had there been reports of him roughing up the wife, he also had been accused of beating on some secretary but a Simpson employee found out some facts about the victim that she wanted to keep quiet so the case disappeared same with several other incidents.

As you can see from the top five, Chris Brown is a drop in the bucket, there are also several honourable mentions of people with some pretty crazy incidents that aren't fully documented or just not top 5 worthy:

William Shatner, may have drowned his wife
Yanni, headbutted his wife/gf
Bobby Brown, see post title.
Ike Turner, loved hitting women.
Christian Bale, abusing his mom/sister
Vince from Slapchop, beat up a hooker who bit his tongue.
Sean Merriman, roughed up Tila Tequila
Billy Dee Williams, drank too much Colt 45 wife beating ensued...every time.
AND THE LIST GOES ON

Dineley on Movies: The GIimmer Man as well as awesome Steven Seagal Content

2009-09-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

A few days ago during one of my sojourns through the bowels of the internet I stumbled upon something that changed the course of my life. Before encountering this phenomena I was under the impression that Shaq being a cop when he wasn't playing hoops was the best thing to happen in the world of policing since well ever. But when I saw the video I have posted below, everything that I had once held true was shaken to the core and I was left in awe of the awesomeness of what was about to be hitting my TV set this fall.

So as you can no doubt guess after I saw that there was really no way I could review anything but a Steven Seagal movie for my next review. Lucky for me I happen to be in proud possession of this gem of modern technology.

I had always hesitated reviewing another Seagal movie because I figured it would basically be a word for word redo of the other one just switching out the title of the movie. So I apologize in advance for any joke redundancy but hey well worth it. So without any further rambling bullshit compliments of yours truly, the review.

The most important thing to note about this movie is that even expecting a Seagal movie, his ridiculousness was barely able to make this film break The Wayans Law. For those who are unware of my made up law, it's the basic theory that if any of the Wayans brothers appear anywhere in the credits the movie will be basically unwatchable, and basically the more Wayans associated with the movie the worse it will be, case in point, see below:

So anyways the master thespian/fighting skills of were able to overpower the presence of Wayans. So just like every other Seagal movie ever, Seagal plays a lose cannon cop who was discovered by some traitorous government higher up in the Vietnam war. He was then recruited for some super secret elite task force but then goes AWOL halfway through he war because he was ethically at odds with what he was being asked to do. Anyways years later in his career as a karate super cop he gets embroiled in a real ugly case which ends up revolving around the guy that recruited him years ago.

Then of course when this is discovered the bad guy then spills the beans on Seagal's past which had been a source of great mystery to the other bad guys as well as the police. In the case of this movie we learn that Seagal was called "The Glimmer Man" by the enemy combatants. "There'd be nothing but jungle, then you'd see a glimmer, then you're dead."

All in all this movie was the usual mix of Seagal antics. The highlight for me, even though I knew it was fake, was Seagal feeding Wayans some powdered deer penis to swallow for his allergies. I kind of wish it had been real to force him to pay for all the bad movies he has forced down the worlds throat as if he was Lexington Steele and the world was some naive 18 year old white girl from blacks on blondes. The one element this movie was lacking was the semi good looking female love interest such as dirty tramp mother from CSI who was in Fire Down Below or this broad from Under Siege.

Although when I found this picture I'm pretty sure she has put on more wait than Seagal has since that movie was made.

Anyways, you all better get stoked for Law Man this fall on A&E because it's going to be the best shit ever. And if you missed me awesome review of Fire Down Below you should check it out because I think it's some of my finest work.

Bono Spice

2009-08-21T21:50:00.000-07:00

The title may be slightly misleading, there is no collaboration between Bono and the Spice Girls although due to the massive potential monetary windfall I am not ruling one out.

So lately where I live has been enveloped in a seemingly endless cycle of heat and humidity. They mugginess has just been uncalled for, it's basically forced me inside at all times because when outside the weather makes my nuts stick to my leg with the adhesive power of Mighty Putty, which is just no good for anybody.

While I've been inside I've watched a fair bit of TV while puttering around and doing some other things here. All this TV watching has exposed me to a fuckload of commercials and seeing all these commercials has reminded me of a few things.

1. Bono/U2 = corporate whore, although I do love a lot of their music.
2. Old Spice advertisements are to other commercials what Bono thinks he is to other people

U2 who a few years ago released the U2 iPod are now advertising with Blackberry which is a good choice since the iPhone is just awful, however thats besides the point. U2 always seems to be willing to do just about anything to make a buck such as making awful music to be featured on the Batman Forever soundtrack to make Kissed By a Rose sound that much better. U2's love of the dollars is not a new thing either, it was even mocked on the very first episodes of the short lived Ben Stiller Show, with this hilarious parody, sorry for the shit video quality, only embedding friendly version I could find.

But now onto Old Spice, the greatest thing to happen to advertising since either waaaazaaaa or the awesome Billy Dee Williams Colt 45 ads.

Although the latest Old Spice ad that inspired this post was not available on the youtube you can all rest assured that it was hilarious, and you should now all keep your eyes peeled for it. However that still leaves me with three awesome Old Spice ad's to link for you here and I'm sure many more you will find in the related videos, but I just linked my personal top three, which happen to feature two people that almost rival Billy Dee Williams for smoothness, Bruce Campbell and Neil Patrick Harris.

Anyways enjoy.

New Weezer song aka the day my penis ran away

2009-08-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

So Weezer has a new song... see below. And hopefully Youtube doesn't do the "No videos for Canada" to this one.

Anyways as Weezer seems to be prone to doing lately this song is just awful. While many people say that Weezer began falling apart when Matt Sharp left which is anything after Pinkerton, I disagree with that statement. It really seems to come down to weather or not Rivers is getting his dick wet on the reg. There's just something about completely pouring your feelings for someone into a song that just can't be captured in some bogus feel good love song like their latest song. I'm all for writing songs expressing your happiness but this one is just full of crap, if he's talking about a time when people were still watching Titanic maybe Rivers could make reference to when Weezer still made good music.

Despite the abortion of a record that Make Believe was I had almost regained all my faith in Weezer when I heard their last album, Troublemaker and Pork and Beans had the makings of classic Weezer anthems but then they go and put out this latest crap which sounds like watered down Bowling for Soup.

I believe I will be seeing Weezer live in a few days and I'm not sure what level of horrible to expect from them, if it's going to be playing the intro riff to El Scorcho and laughing as the crowd gets excited or doing an MGMT cover while wearing neon Wayfarers.

But alas as much as this song sucks I will buy the new CD because to me Weezer is like a relative that you love very much that has a severe case of Alzheimers, although it's sad to see them forget who they are and who the people that love them are, when they do remember it's so worthwhile to be there for it.

So in closing here's an awesome clip of the Weezer on Letterman, this is not only a super underrated ditty but Letterman makes a stellar comment that goes completely unnoticed by the audience.

Oh and if you aren't familiar with the song... El Scorcho for those of you who want to write a song to/about a girl take notes from that one.

This Kid Sucks

2009-08-11T08:59:00.000-07:00

In my life I have come across my fair share of annoying kids/people. But very few of these people have made me wish that the load of hot and salty that created them had either gone straight into a reservoir tip or some broads digestive tract more than this little fruit cake in the Windows commercial

Now unfortunately I can't really pin down exactly why I hate this kid, mainly because the aura of doucherey that he gives off overpowers my sensors. I really hope they gave him a script for this though because any eight year old that says "let me screen this puppy for you" is nearly at the point of no return on the path to be a pretentious douche the rest of his life. And by pretentious douche I mean this kid will be making lame english teacher jokes such as the classic "I don't know CAN you go to the washroom?" by the age of 11.

As some of you may know I'm an Apple guy so I really have no interest in getting into the Mac vs PC debate because thats just overly familiar territory, like on par with Alyssa Milano's ham wallet in the Dodgers clubhouse.

One thing that really upsets me about this add though is the closing "I'm a PC and I'm eight years old." The kids not a fucking PC he's a kid, although I imagine the frustration one would experience hanging out with him would be similar to that of working with an eight year old PC. But seriously... I'm a PC??? Thats right up on par with "Thanks for being a sport" in terms of calling things something that makes no sense.

I mean I could be the most co-operative motherfucker around yet I still would not be a sport. No matter how much I take shit in stride or whatever else is necessary to receive sport designation I would not be a sport. There will never be the National Dineley Association where teams compete at Dineley to see who is the best, just like this kid will never have someone operate him with one hand while they beat off... ok maybe thats a bad example, but this kid will never serve any of the functionality associated with a computer, just say I can use a PC for fuck sakes.

Upon doing my final read through of this post I just wanted to apologize for 2 things, I seem to suck at sentences after my little hiatus there hopefully that skill will return to me soon, also the entire second half of the post seems to be headed towards pretentious douche category losing my shit about grammar and such which is touch ironic, but yeah whatever enjoy.

I'm back and Scarves in June

2009-08-05T11:01:00.000-07:00

Like Arnold driving a car into the police station... I'm back.

I feel that I need to start this post with an apology to anyone who checked the blog anytime in June hoping for something to read. I had one pound me in the ass week at work which sort of derailed all my writing momentum, so I decided to take a bit of time to regroup. Anyways I finally picked up a new computer set up which should help me with some of the more ambitious multimedia stuff I hope to get going.

The thing that I want to actually post about today may fall on deaf ears due to the fact that times have changed pretty significantly in the last few years so this isn't nearly as funny as it was when it came out. Anyways if you go HERE and listen to the one song this band posted I think you will really enjoy it. If you were unaware of the huge uprising of dance rock music that had overtaken the world a few short years ago you might no find this funny at all, so come back in a few days and maybe something else I write will be more in tune with todays youth.

Now if you take a look at the myspace page for the band you'll see it's from 2005 which was right in the peak of the dance rock era. Now for those unawares the soup de jour back then consisted of shaggy/unkempt hair, a solid sport coat and scarf combination, and either cords or jeans that were a touch on the tight side. Dance Rock was at the time the music of choice with the Arctic Monkeys being a prime example of how big dance rock was at the time.

For those of you who are now used to going to the bar and seeing a bunch of guys with rockstar tattoos and sunglasses on that are all rubbing dicks, you may look back fondly on the dance rock days just as I do. For those who missed out on the dance rock days thats too bad because it was fucking awesome. The overused super splashy hihats now sound like music from the god's compared to the fruity loops mashups made by guys french guys with shitty mustaches and deep v's.

The other obvious plus of the dance rock era is no one looked like this asshat.

Meanwhile at CTU

2009-07-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

If anyone has been checking back to the blog semi regularly the last few weeks you'll have noticed there's been soemwhat of a drought in terms of new contenct, and for that I apologize. Unfortunately the nature of the blog has sort of led to this slowdown. I originally planned on using the movie reviews to be the mainstay of the blog, even if there was nothing else to write about I could always watch a movie and throw in a few F bombs while giving my opinion on it and I'd have at least weekly updates going.

However I quickly realized good movies make for shitty posts and bad movies make for shitty me having to watch thems. So the pile of movies I bought to review sits their teasing me, NO, DARING me to watch them but I can't bring myself to man up and do it. I've also been super busy reading a bunch of books and playing a fuck tonne of guitar.

The other thing that has been hindering the release of new updates is the fact that I want to try and stay away from posting on the news unless it's something really dramatic. Most of the news tends to center around politics and economics and I don't want to turn the blog into a platform where I push my values and ideology on people no matter how funny it may be. I would just hate it if the blog ended up treading water in a sea of redundancy like The Daily Show.

Also what has been keeping me from writing is I'm working on a movie script and a stand up comedy act which is taking a lot of my most clutch jokes. I have a lot of jokes I want to use live first before I let them hit the interwebz and spoil my stand up comedy debut. Oh also my computer sucks and I can't play music on myspace anymore so I can't even point you in the direction of sweet new music.

Anyways I just wanted to give a breif update for all you faithful readers as to why there was nothing to read. Also this post may be riddled with bad spelling, I am using a computer at work which is running internet explorer so I don't have spell check available and I'm way to lazy at this unholy hour to deal with proof reading.

I have a sweet post in the works which should be ready for maybe tomorrow hopefully.

Dineley on Books: SSN

2009-07-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

With the first segment of Dineley on books There Is No Override is at the beginning of a new chapter... see what I did there. Anyways this book review is kind of a cheapo update because I got suckered into reading this Tom Clancy book for the last two days which basically stopped me from keeping on top of my updates, so I figured I would make something productive out of it.

Several years ago I was at Value Village and I spent around 20 dollars on like 9 Tom Clancy books, the other day I was rooting around and found one of the ones I hadn't read so I decided to give it a go since most of the ones I had read had been decent books and The Hunt for Red October had been a fucking awesome book. So this time the book was SSN a sort of submarine thriller apparently.

This book was much less of a thriller as it was a blatant piece of racist propaganda. Now as any of you who know me know racial jokes do not offend me in the slightest but this book was written with such an insanely pro American bias it was frustrating to read. The book contains absolutely no character development of any sort, the prelude to the book is called the lead up to war, and is essentially a series of fake news clippings explaining how America and China were now at war.

The rest of the book consists of shitty narratives of naval battles in which one boat, the USS Cheyenne singlehandedly sinks basically the entire Chinese Navy without being hit once. They paint the Chinese as these boneheaded characters similar to the oaf in the Rogers commercials that always fails at everything and has to watch the handsome guy walk by and make creepy eye contact. In every battle sequence it was nearly identical series of events, one American sub and one American helicopter are the only casualties in this epic naval war while one sub apparently takes on the entire Chinese navy which was also heavily supplanted with a seemingly endless supply of Russian forces. Basically the Cheyenne was the submarine equivalent of Paris Hilton taking on anything she could.

With the suggested support of the Russians that the book implied it seems Clancy is one of those extreme right wing anti communist characters. I mean this book was published in 1996 hardly during the height of Cold War tensions like when some of his other books were written. Clancy is probably among the ranks of crazies who thinks that Barack Obama is secretly a Kenyan. There was a video game made of this book too maybe it is better than the book although based on the Rainbow 6 games I played for Nintendo 64 it's probably overly complicated and about as entertaining as watching two amputees play tether ball.

Danny Ocean strikes again

2009-06-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

A while back I saw an article about the Canadian mint missing millions of dollars worth of precious metals. At the time they weren't sure if it was them failing at counting or if they were actually missing the metals, which were assumed to be mostly gold as well as perhaps some platinum and silver. Now knowing the boneheadedness of alot of the people who work in the public sector I assumed it was a simple case of them being idiots and not an Italian Jobesque heist of 19 million dollars worth of heavy metals, so I decided not to write about it because say the metals weren't missing then I look foolish.

But anyways now it's been confirmed that it wasn't a simple paper blunder, it still may be a complicated paper blunder but for now it's an assumed theft. So operating as if it is a theft one can only ask, how the fuck do you smuggle 19 million dollars worth of gold out of a place.

A quick look at how much actual gold is in 19 million dollars worth,the current price of gold is $1078.80 per ounce in Canadian dollars. So if the gold that was stolen was melted down and processed already the thieves would have had to have taken 44 gold bars like the ones found in Die Hard with a Vengance now I don't know about you but I would find it pretty difficult to smuggle out 44 bars that weight 27 pounds each, which is well over 1000 pounds of gold.

Now besides the aforementioned Danny Ocean and whatever the name of the guy Marky Mark Whalberg played in The Italian Job I really can't see anyone pulling this off. I should hope the scientists that run the mint would at least have enough oversights in place that this couldn't be the work of one daring guy smuggling out one brick at a time. There must have been some sort of giant fuck up or wherever the mint bought the gold from ripped us off because every other possibility just seems so far fetched.

Also when you steal gold what the fuck do you do with it, if it's already in bar form then you have the mint of Canada seal on it and I'm guessing it might be hard to move and if it's just raw hunks of gold they'd probably be equally hard to sell. Short of making a trip to Orodruin in the heart of the black land itself for a little melt down session moving the gold is probably a rather difficult task. I mean it's not like taking your old jewelery down to the sketchy jewelery store/pawn shop for cash now.

Well I really don't know where I'm going with this I'm so saddened by the ineptness of Canada's government on basically all levels. Word is they are bringing in the RCMP to investigate so maybe the rest of the gold will get Tazed and not be able to run away like the other 19 million.

Heres a link to an actual article about the it if you want more DETAILS

Dineley on Movies Double Penetration Edition: Transformers.... for real

2009-06-29T20:30:00.000-07:00

As fate would have it within days of my Michael Bay/Transformers blog I somehow ended up watching both of the Transformer movies, rather serendipitous I know. Anyways upon watching the first one I was amazed that they could make a movie that shitty, then I saw the second one and thought, I can't believe I was so hard on the first one.

I'll be brief in my review of the first movie because to be honest I had been partaking of the devils lettuce prior to and during the viewing of this film. Besides wonderful performances from the always entertaining John Turturro and Jon Voight this movie was nothing more than cluster fuck of shitty story lines that came together like butt cheeks in one of the most awful movie endings ever.

I mean one of the Decepticons bricks an entire army base, yet a bunch of them are being held off by like 10 soldiers but whatever, they focused too much on the fucking underdeveloped bone smoker Shia TheBeef and not enough on the giant robots that can turn into cars. Oh also the 30 foot tall robots were ridiculously sneaky, and by sneaky I mean walking around in the most obvious manner possible without anybody seeing them. I mean they were in such blatant plain sight I can't think of a single black piano player who wouldn't be able to see them.

But now onto the second and far worse movie Revenge of the Fallen. This movie was fucking terrible, and when I say terrible I mean it, like this shit was Wayans brothers bad.

Before the movie even got to the out of control helicopters and explosions that Bay is famous for it was just awful. It was chock full of lame Disneyesque attempts at "dirty" double entendres. Not only that the robots were making gay jokes, racist jokes, blow job jokes and fawning over Megan Fox. The robots were also voiced as cheesy black guys trying to be thug, and one was vaguely reminiscent of Steve Buscemi. Now I didn't find any of the jokes offensive, but I mean they're robots not the Wayans brothers... sorry for the double reference, but when I think about black people and not funny the Wayans brothers are the first thing that comes to mind, with Hotel Rwanda coming up in a distant second place. But on a fawning over Megan Fox note this movie featured this one broad who was so hot that Megan Fox had the sex appeal of a Thai lady boy compared to this piece of ass. Another terrible thing about this movie was the annoying latino sidekick straight out of a D-list buddy cop movie.

But anyways the movie ends with like an hour long mission to travel like two kilometers a journey which is filled with every terrible movie clichee imaginable. They follow up this epic waste of time with a robot fight that lasts like 45 second that has Optimus Prime absolutely shit pump the fuck out of the main bad guys. This is the same Prime who couldn't even kill Megatron without the hell of roast beef boy in the first movie who now just one shot kills Megatron and "The Fallen".

They really should have cut down on the terrible sprint to Optimus and beefed up the robot fight a bit more since it is a Transformers movie after all. The way the movie ended was the equivalent of beating off in a girls face for like an hour and a half and just as you think your arm is about to fall of you blast her face with a few drops of blood and a gust of hot air, then you fall into a heap in tears.

Also both movies introduced random piles of robots out of nowhere far to often with no introduction as to who the fuck they were but anyways, both movies were awful please don't go see them. I won't even put the pictures for them in the blog and do for the movies what the movies did for GM.

Death of a Salesmen

2009-06-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson are all dead.... BUT WAIT THERES MORE!!!

Yes folks it saddens me to say that Billy Mays the burly bearded TV pitch man died unexpectedly today in his home at the age of 50, just like my man Michael. The news of May's death saddened me greatly, I feel heartbroken and it would take more than the ever lasting bond of Mighty Putty to repair the damage.

Billy Mays was too put it simply a bear man. With the beard, the physical build, the voice and overall jovial aura around him he had all the attributes required to be a bear man.

Hopefully the death of Mays doesn't lead to an influx of work for the scum sucking vulture that is Vince... aka Sham Wow guy. I don't care if he thinks he's being funny/clever when he has queer double entendres like "you're going to love my nuts!" he still is a shitty pitch man.

The original Sham Wow ad apparently cost 20,000 dollars to film which is just absurd in my mind, I mean he had to buy a bottle of cola, two pieces of carpet and that stupid head set of his. Speaking of that headset if he was a real man he'd just pump up the volume like Billy Mays did, all in all Vince has had the look of scum about him since he first came on the scene, and any one who thought that had their suspicions validated when news leaked of his beat down on a hooker who was 19 years his junior.

In Vince's mugshot you can see him exposed for what he truly is a 45 year old hack who couldn't make it in the movie business. Now that I think of it maybe most of that 20 grand was spent on making him not like a 45 year old scum bag.

Anyways two Mays' videos below, one is him ordering in a Drive Thru, and the other is a dub of a Mighty Putty ad, even though I loved Billy Mays I still find the dubs hilarious.

Drive Thru
Mighty Putty

Michael Jackson

2009-06-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

By now I'm sure most of the world is aware that Michael Jackson died today at 50 years of age. Although 50 is a rather young age to die at one could hardy expect the ghoulish shell of a man that Jackson had become to be very healthy. So while there may not be many questions about his death directly, his passing does leave several unanswered questions, such as: What the fuck happened to him? Was he really a kiddie diddler? If he had made new music during his "comeback" would it have been any good? and of course, if he had been sent back in time to the 1960's would he have sat at the front or the back of the bus?

Crazy people and music fans everywhere I'm sure are mourning the death of the King of Pop, however the people who truly suffered a loss were comedians. Jackson was a veritable gold mine of comedic material, any hack comedian, yes even a Kenny Banya could pull out some MJ jokes and make a decent outing for themselves. I personally try to avoid the MJ jokes as I respected him too much to do that, I thought the kid touching jokes sucked because I thought he was innocent, and the nose job jokes were just fucking weak sauce. Michael Jackson jokes were the easy way to try and be funny and I never respected it, I also had a slew of jokes I though of using here about using MJ jokes being the equivalent of taking advantage of girl who was blind/deaf/wheelchair ridden but couldn't settle on one and they also seemed far to cruel so if I tell the joke like this it's less offensive.

Many people might ask me how I could believe Michaels innocence when Neverland Ranch clearly had all the trappings of a pedo's dream lair. Well the latest "victim's" mother being bat shit crazy and pleading the fifth during the trial was a key giveaway for me. But enough on that the trial clearly sapped a lot of his strength leaving him, frailer, crazier, and more ghoulish than ever, some people even said he couldn't lift a baby over a balcony railing anymore.

Hopefully with MJ's tragic death we can look back on his life and remember the glory years from Jackson 5 to Free Willy. A young verile black Michael before he lost his colour, his soul and his nappyness which is one thing that can't be explained by the skin conditions. Here he is in all his glory, and below is a link to one of my favourite MJ tunes called This Time Around.

Also although I said I wasn't very fond of Michael Jackson jokes Norm MacDonald had one gem of an MJ joke that I had to share with you:

"Jackson and Presley cite irreconcilable differences as the reason for the divorce, you see she's more of a stay at home kind of girl, and he's a homosexual pedophile"

This Time Around

Awesome thing of the week: Patrick Stewart/Jandrew Edits

2009-06-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Since there hasn't been an awesome thing of the week for a bit so sorry if this one is a little on the large size.

This weeks thing that is so awesome is the one and only Patrick Stewart, a master of high drama yet an excellent comedic presence as well. I guess it seems I have a bit of a thing for Captains of the Enterprise but whatever it's a hell of a role to play. Not only did he put on a stunning performance every week but his work was also used as the subject matter for the Jandrew TNG edits which are some of the funniest things ever. Basically they re-cut a bunch of TNG stuff into hilarious shorts which are well rather... hilarious. There was also the Captain Picard song meme which was pretty awesome which will be linked at the bottom.

This particular clip is my personal favourite edit. Most of the edits are chock filled with gay jokes, so if you're offended by that you probably wont find this overly amusing, although if you're offended by that you also probably wont be reading my blog

The entire listing of the edits can be found HERE and be sure to check out the Alf edits, Episode 2 Mr. Meatloaf is fucking awesome.

For those of you who didn't grow up in a Star Trek rich family you might not care for Stewart's work as JLP. However his awesome post Star Trek roles have been just as good and much funnier, besides doing countless voice bits on Family Guy and American Dad he had a simply masterful performance on Extras which can be seen directly below and is awesome.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

Anyways I'm going to leave you with a list of links of sweet Patrick Stewart stuff...

Jean Luc Picard Song
Darmok and Gilgamesh

There are four lights!
Looks like a fanny

I'll also throw in the Mr. Meatloaf link as it's epic as fuck, I hope I converted a few people to the Church of Patrick Stewart.

Dineley on Movies: Transformers (Michael Bay)

2009-06-24T21:03:00.000-07:00

This edition of Dineley on Movies touches briefly on the two live action Transformers movies, I haven't seen either of them so can't give an actual review about them but I wanted to talk about them and issues that surround them so I figured it warranted the Dineley on Movies tag despite it not being an actual review. To be honest this post is mostly about peoples attitudes and Michael Bay.

When I heard they were going to be making a live action Transformers movie I was so excited my dick moved a little. Then over the however many years it took them to get their shit together and actually make the movie my dick returned to it's original position and due to the fact that I was out in the woods planting trees and getting naked alot at the time the movie was released I didn't even see it. The fact that it looked way to much like a GM commercial and the robots just looked so ridiculous with all sorts of sharp edges and not enough bold primary colours to keep my attention. I also wasn't too keen on the fact that Michael Bay was directing. Oh also any time I hear the word Labeouf I immediately think of bad decisions I made involving hefty women and 2:13AM but no one wants to relive that.

Since that first movie came out the world has had time to debate where Megan Fox ranks on Maxims top 100, whether or not the fact that she looks super dirty would deter someone from sticking it to her, why Labeouf is even getting jobs as an actor when clearly the "I'm a Mac" guy would've been way better in the roll and many other deep philosophical questions.

It was during that time that I head my epiphany about Michael Bay. I started thinking why does everyone hate this guy so much??

I mean I know he completely fucked up Pearl Harbour, Armageddon was bad on the scale of genocide, which to be honest was mostly Aerosmith's fault, and he seemed to be the one guy who had a bigger crush on Ben Afleck than Matt Damon did.

So that puts him at two terrible movies, which get canceled out by his two awesome movies The Rock and Bad Boys. Now the only two other actual movies he has directed pre-Transformers were Bad Boys II and The Island. Now Bad Boys II was one I never got around to seeing as the buddy cop genre of films is more worn out than Lance Bass's asshole. So we'll assume that it was a sub-par high action blockbuster type that appealed to a lot of people but nobody "LOVED IT". Then you have The Island which no matter what you think of the movie the amount of entertainment value that there is to be had in saying "The Island" in a Jamaican accent whenever you talk about your experience for the movie more than makes up for it.

With a resume like this it was hard to understand the widespread hatred for Bay. Michael Bay jokes about him blowing shit up were becoming so prevalent that even he made fun of himself about it.

So anyways this is going on way longer than I originally intended so I'll try and wrap it up briefly. The Transformers movies are bound to be your typical mindless blockbuster bull shit. The more you find trashy girls attractive the more you will probably like this movie, so it will be probably do excellent in Cambridge. But seriously besides that don't expect a fucking award winning masterpiece, feel free to get upset about the shitty acting, and honestly who better to direct a movie about a war against giant robots than a guy who is notorious for blowing shit up in his movies.

I guess to sum up what I'm saying, these movies are going to suck, don't expect otherwise, and lay of Michael Bay The Rock was awesome and he directed Meat Loaf: Bat Out of Hell II - Picture Show, although feel free rip him a new asshole for that abomination that was Pearl Harbour. If for some reason I ever ending up watching one or both of these movies I'll be sure to write hilarious scathing review of them for you the people to enjoy.

Perez Hilton "Assault"

2009-06-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

I've been rather hesitant to right about this sad excuse for a human being because I feel that just recognizing the "ordeal" he was involved in is paying to much tribute to his pathetic existence so I will be extremely brief.

I will provide no links to the laughable audio of him crying or to anything of his site as I will not be responsible for propagating that shit.

I wish this piece of shit had been given an actual legitimate beat down. This vulture of a "journalist" doesn't even know the meaning of the word assault, or journalism for that matter. If this guy who makes his living prying into peoples lives and calling 14 year old girls sluts can't handle a little smack in the face he should just drop dead. Anyone who sympathizes with this waste of seminal fluids should be immediately nominated for a lobotomy.

The video below shows what should have happened to him in a perfect world. That's all i have to say about this shit show.

I almost forgot something very imporant in the last post.

2009-06-22T19:38:00.000-07:00

Get the show with the midget family off TV as well. And people who watch that receive the same paltry score at being a human being as the Jon and Kate fuckers.

Jon and Kate + Separate

2009-06-22T18:52:00.000-07:00

Before I officially begin I realized that Kate rhymes with separate like 4 months ago when it was first leaked that Jon wasn't completely satisfied with the fertile crescent of a vagina that Kate's barren wasteland had turned into and was looking elsewhere. So if any of you saw someone using the rhyme joke before reading this, the person that used it Carlos Mencia'd me and should be shot, kind of like French people.

But anyways hopefully the impending divorce of this couple will put an end to the TV careers of this family. Also hopefully a majority of the people who actually cared enough to follow the lives of a family with lots of kids will get depressed and kill themselves because as any Jewish people will tell you a little genetic purging never hurt anyone.

I realize that in North America these days people are cutting down on the number of children they have, but that doesn't mean that someone with a lot of children needs to be on TV. I honestly think that the reason they had six kids from at once is not the precious miracle of life everyone makes it out to be.

Jon was already fed up with the two kids and feeling rather emasculated by the turkey baster so he attempted a push down the stairs but didn't put enough into it so the egg just split a bunch instead of scrambling.... I mean I'm no scientist but I'm sure a flight of stairs would make for overstimulated ovaries.

And if you'll stop and take a look at the picture to your right you'll be lucky enough to see that they managed to find two pictures that make this couple look dirtier than K-Fed and Britney, and I'm talking about Britney when she had her V for Vendetta hair cut, although she thought V was for "Vagina showing when you get out of a car". Now looking at that picture I can't understand how anybody is shocked that these two are splitting up but hey that's just me.

But anyways I hope Jon finds some nice nubile vag away from the camera and that the kids don't get exploited for the rest of their lives. Before you all jump down his throat for wanting out though just imagine how much of a pain in the ass it would be trying to raise your clusterfuck of children and having cameras in your face all the time.

I'm sure the third world African people get really sick of it during the one day Kelsey Grammar comes down and pats their kids on the shoulder to film his commercials to ask for money for Christian Children's Fund. Maybe people can watch those now instead and give some money while they're at it.

My dad grew up in a family of seven, my mom in a family of five and Stephen Tyrone Colbert grew up in a family of 11 and none of them needed a fucking TV show. So unless Kate overstimulates her ovaries again some time soon she should shut the fuck up and get off TV and raise her kids out of the spotlight as kids these days seem to be coming out fucked up enough as it is and don't need to add that kind of bullshit into the mix.

And to anybody who was reading this that was a follower of the show I can't even begin to describe what's wrong with people like you. I mean the season premier had 9 million viewers.... and that was to quote Dave Chappelle "ON CABLE NIGGER GODDAMN!!!" That drew more than whatever faggoty show Mario Lopez was hosting at the same time on all the everyman channels.... fucking pathetic.

In reading this over before posting I realized this is a lot more hateful than usual but I'll just leave it as is, pent up rage I guess.

P.S. Mario Lopez is sweet.

As close as you can get to Jager without your eyes getting wet

2009-06-19T23:43:00.000-07:00

Like the title says...

Dineley On Movies: The Tripper

2009-06-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

So the latest movie to fall under my scrutiny was The Tripper. This movie was supposed to be somewhat of an homage to shitty slasher movies and I guess it does that ok, although paying homage to something shitty doesn't make much sense to me, although this movie was produced by David Arquette and Courtney Cox so an homage to Wes Craven garbage makes sense, but more on the happy couple later.

So the plot is basically big hippie music festival with a crazy serial killer lurking in the woods killing pretty much everybody, and one cop with a sweet mustache determined to keep the peace.
All in all it sounds like the kind of story line that dreams are made of however in reality it ended up being pretty much as boring as a hand job.

This movie was garbage though, some serial killer who is obsessed with Ronald Reagan goes on a rampage talking like Reagan and wearing a Reagan mask. The best part of this movie besides the Bosniaesque piles of dead hippies was that the Reagan mask reminded me of an awesome hilarious moment of someone wearing a President Mask (Nixon) which you can see HERE like 2 minutes in or so. One thing I counted on in this movie to be good didn't even come through and that is that Jason Mewes was one of the co-stars, why he reduced himself to being in this movie is beyond me since it was several years after the taking heroin and Oxycotin with his mom stage of his life.

Now to address the producer/directer of this monstrosity. David Arquette, he luckily escapes my wrath for the most part for this reason. Theres a saying that says if you want to know the measure of a man you simply count his friends, well I don't know how many friends this guy has so I made a bit of an amendment to the saying, which goes like this... if the counting of the friends is inconclusive refer to the quality of kitty that he's hitting. And in that department Arquette gets an A so theres really no need for me to judge him on this movie. Speaking of his wife she recently filmed a pilot for a comedy called Cougar Town which may or may not be hilarious, I mean I love cougars but if it resorts to comedy for mongoloid idiots the way Friends did I'll be very upset.

So if you want to see some dirty hippie boobs and lots of hippies getting killed and like bad movies go watch this. Just remember hand job...

Highway Park... WTF

2009-06-18T17:26:00.000-07:00

So here's something pretty crazy that if you're from Southern Ontario you'll probably find pretty interesting and if not it is at least a little bit interesting me thinks...

HERE

The article is about an architects plan to put a roof on top of the Gardiner expressway and then put a park on that roof thus adding greenspace and making the giant highway through the heart of the city, where there may or may not be no love, less of an eyesore. I think this is pretty fucking rad and would look sweet and be awesome. The article mentions it would reduce maintenance costs because it would cover the highway so no snow, rain, salt, plowing, ect ect. Another plus that they forgot to mention is that ideally if you remove these elements from the road you can cut down on the amount of Asians/women/idiots that cause beaucoups accidents when the weather gets a little hairy. Just an aside speaking of hairy, some Halloween I want to dress up like a Nazi and if anyone gets upset about it I can just tell them to fuck off and that I'm dressed up as Prince Harry.

But back to the pressing issue at hand. There are people who say that the Gardiner should be torn down because it blocks access to the waterfront. Holy fuck I hope their parents were cousins otherwise there is no excuse for this kind of retarded logic, Mr. Spock would smack you up the head.

In order to increase activity at the waterfront we remove the main artery to the downtown/waterfront area because thats fucking brilliant. How the fuck is an elevated highway stopping you from going to the waterfront. It's not like theres no way to get to the water from the other side of the Gardiner you just walk or drive underneath it. Maybe if you had something at the waterfront besides the cheesy restaurant on a shitty boat and a third rate "amusement park" people might go down to the waterfront.

Seriously has anyone ever had plans and then been like actually theres a highway near where we are going I don't think we can go. Cover up the highway it would be an awesome tourist attraction, you then throw vendors and hippie energy methods up there as well and you're in business. Hell maybe throw several pairs of those 2 dollars per use binocular things they have at Niagara falls so people could get a nice refreshing view of the wait for it..... WATERFRONT.

Anyways no matter what you think of this highway in particular you have to admit a giant ribbon of a park on top of a highway weaving through the city would be all kinds of awesome.

Also someone commented on the article something along the lines of "why don't we just build elevated everything?" except sarcastically because he's an idiot. Typical North American ignorance slamming high density construction while we have these suburban cancers that sprawl countless of hundreds of square kilometers. Lets make fun of building something on top of something else why don't we fucking noob.

Paris Hilton... really

2009-06-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

So I know this post is going to illicit groans from readers thinking...

"Oh great another blogger who dislikes Paris Hilton, why are you wasting my time."

And for that I apologize but this is only sort of about her moreso about why people care about her?

So today I was watching some lovely afternoon baseball which ended at like 5:06. Now from 5-6 and 7-8 are generally the two worst hours of TV. And when I talk about the worst two hours of TV I'm not counting super late night/early morning where the only thing on besides Billy Mays and Ashley Madison ads is Sexy Carwash on Telelatino. But anyways back to my anecdote, so I did a little channel surfing and made it up Much Music which is a channel I generally go to all of power to avoid.

So it was the Much Music News update so I stuck around and watched for like 45 seconds and too my dismay the piece about Alexisonfire transitioned rather quickly into a bit about Paris Hilton looking for her new BFF in Dubai.

Like fucking come on this used to a music channel and now some rich skank qualifies as news on the music channel. I realize she has an "album" and has been in movies so could technically be considered a celebrity/entertainer that fits the channels criteria for being talked about, but the fact that she got to do those things just speaks to the whole issue of why this broad is famous in the first place.

Theres so many other wealthy people in the world who have good looking daughters. Based on my experience with the not incredibly wealthy I'm assuming that at least a large chunk of these daughters would love the cock a fair deal yet we never here a word about who peeks their roast beef curtains, yet that seems to be breaking new when it comes to Paris Hilton.

It's not like her parents were like high profile insane eccentric rich people doing crazy things like Dick Branson who draws the spotlight to himself, this is just some fucking hotel tycoon family whooopdi shit.

Seriously she has a sort of pretty face and has worked hard to gain dick taking rights for girls with minimal breast representation but why do people care about her or find her some sex/fashion icon. Whenever I hear anything about sex with Paris Hilton my mind instantly conjures up images of the elephant graveyard from the Lion King, as a desolate bonepile is basically what her pussy is probably been reduced to by now.

And now she has a show looking for a new friend because her and her old BFF had trouble getting along. I guess the stress of drinking, fucking, spending other peoples money and being famous for no reason, as well as drinking and driving really takes it toll on a friendship. Plus the harsh jail times they had to serve must have been the straw that broke the camels back.

Theres really no point to this post I guess I just hope that no one I know actually gives a shit about this stupid twat. (and when I say no one I know I'm not including the one girl I know who I know has a moat in her pants for all things Paris)

So anyways heres some funny stuff at Paris' expense which also demonstrates that Letterman and the South Park guys are kings of comedy.

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset

And King Dave

All things AIDS... ok a few things AIDS

2009-06-13T20:32:00.000-07:00

I want to open with a formal apology for that abortion of a post that was my last entry, holy fuck that was bad, when you don't sleep enough things like that seem like a good idea. That post was the load that should have been swallowed, I will however leave it up for the sake of the Ackbar/Homolka challenge and as a reminder of how tragically unfunny I can be. In a way it's similar to how they left the gates of Auschwitz up as a reminder of how bad things were/could be so anyways ARBEIT MACHT FREI.... and we're off!!

So the topic at hand today is AIDS as theres a tonne of questions that AIDS brings to the forefront which provide quite the ethical clusterfuck.

Take this story HERE for example. A woman with AIDS has unprotected sex with her husband she gets charged with criminal negligence causing bodily harm and aggravated assault. Gets charged with 2 years of jail time. This in turn triggered a call for her deportation as she was an immigrant. After her sentence is served the judge takes 1 day of the sentence so that it lessens the severity of the crime making it possible for her to fight her deportation, but more on that later.

Now heres where we get hit with the first money shot of confusion. She was having sex with her husband, so one could argue what kind of joke of a husband doesn't know their wife has AIDS. One would hope that if the woman knew she had AIDS her husband would too so it's really both of their faults.

Then on the other hand one might ask why the hell was a man who did the same thing but with randoms and was arrested just this past month being charged with attempted murder, aggravatedsexual assault, assault causing bodily harm, and assault with a weapon, yet this woman gets a joke of a sentence.

So what's the right choice of action here is throwing the book at buddy here just adding to the aidsophobia that is out there, and why the vast difference in the array of charges facing both of these people.

But heres where things get really stupid and shitty. The sentence gets reduced a day so now the woman can fight her appeal.

This is the part in the post where everybody with a sandy vagina says quit being so cold blooded AIDS is a disease not a crime.

Heres the part where I say shut your mouth when you're talking to me and let me finish one damn story!

So apparently the decision to reduce the sentence by 1 day had nothing to do with the immigration issues.

The immigration consequences were not taken into account by the trial judge or Iamkhong's lawyer during her sentencing because both were focused on ensuring she would be imprisoned where she would get appropriate care.

This is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. When you're reducing a sentence by 1 day after she has served the sentence how can that have anything to do with where she gets imprisoned. So instead of automatically deporting the 39 year old AIDS ridden stripper we get to tie up our immigration and courts system with an appeal...

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

I don't care what kind of backlash I here about this, this just burns my asshole something fierce. Canada is a country that is losing doctors and nurses and all sorts of highly trained professionals to other countries where they can do better for themselves. And who do we fight to keep in this country?? A scientist of a stripper who ignored her positive HIV test results, spread the disease not only to her husband but could have potentially spread it much more based on the line of work she was in, and we are forking over tax dollars to try and keep her in the country... what's she going to do for work now, I doubt theres a big market for 39 year old strippers with AIDS. So then we can foot another bill HOLY ROBERTA BONDAR BATMAN!!!!!

If that case isn't ethically complex or offensive enough for you heres a terrible hypothetical.

If all of the indigenous people in Africa were dead from AIDS but Freddie Mercury was still alive could you deal with AIDS??

And before you jump to your answer think of all the summer Olympic medals we would've won with Africa out of the picture...

The Dr. is in...

2009-06-10T19:56:00.000-07:00

Today I went to write my blog,
But on my mind there was a fog,
Nothing to report in the news
Or from my recent Youtube views

I sat and thought for quite some time
But then a thought it crossed my mind
A surefire way that I could amuse
To make a post like Dr. Seuss

It would take a little extra time
To make sure that it all would rhyme
But what if they don't like these jokes
What if this blog really chokes...

As I wrote I felt the pain
That was felt by the bloodhound gang
The pain it burned like angina
To try and find a rhyme for vagina

Just trying to delight the herd
By using a pointless silly word
On and on the rhymes would go
Where it would stop I did not know
I'd find a rhyme for everything
My praises everyone would sing
You'd ask what rhymes with Paul Bernardo
I'd say to you Jeremy Accardo
I'd use a lot of synonyms
To mike my silly rhymes fit in
I'd try to say boner if I could
But it's easier to just say wood

I hit this point and had to pause
I was rhyming but without just cause
Dr. Seuss always told a story
Or some clever allegory
This post has just been pointless couplets
Bound to leave the masses upset

But how long should I ramble on...
Rhyme through the night "straight on till dawn"
Oh what an epic tale I'd spin
Of brave deeds and love and sin
Of wizards in their towers tall
And ships that sailed through ocean squalls

Ok I'm done now, but seriously if anyone can rhyme Ackbar or Homollka shoot me a message with your solution... Sorry for this cop out of a post.

The Octagon strikes in real life

2009-06-09T16:48:00.000-07:00

So apparently Chuck Norris didn't quite finish off the rogue terrorist ninjas during the final showdown in The Octagon.

The shadowy hand of the martial arts underworld has reached up from its supposed grave to strike down someone who was attempting to uncover them... apparently.

David Carradine who is most famous for his work on the show Kung Fu as well as the Kill Bill movies, was found dead in his hotel room the other day and there are many theories swirling as to what caused his death.

Some say suicide although family and friends dispute that...

Others say it was the classic autoerotic asphyxiation gone wrong, because let's face it that could happen to anybody. Although to go with that on this case there are a few question marks, Carradine's hands were apparently bound, although it's unclear if they were behind his back or above his head, now I don't know how exactly anyone can be choking the bishop with their hands tied, even if they are kung fu warriors. And I was pretty sure some sort of genital stimulation is still involved in the whole auto erotic thing, unless he's willing himself to orgasm with his Zen like mental prowess.

Also the fact that he was completely naked. I mean I personally am rarely full out buck when rubbing one out unless it's during my annual Extreme Masturbation Week, and adding in clothes to the equation of tugging, plus running down the stairs, bike riding ect, just would not work out well at all and end up with severe injuries. Also this theory at first seemed a little fucked up because what the hell kind of 72 year old man feels the need to be choking himself while he's keeping the beat... but I found the answer to that and it's this kind of 72 year old.

In the words of his ex wife who filed for divorce
"It was the continuation of abhorrent and deviant sexual behavior which was potentially deadly. His deviate behavior includes an incestuous relationship with a very close family member, which permeated our marriage. This is to his admission and the admission of the person involved."

Talk about a sexually enlightened fellow, and I also can't wait to see all the fuckups who come to my blog now because the word incestuous flagged their search.

Now the third and most amusing theory is so absurd you'd think it was thought up by L. Ron Hubbard himself. This proposed by Carradine's lawyer on Larry King the other night. He is saying that Carradine was brutally murdered by a pack of ninjas who were seeking to thwart Carradine's poking around into the dealing of the ninja underworld.

It was using their ninja stealth that they were able to sneak into the hotel and avoid the cameras and inflict their merciless brand of vigilante justice into the heart of the 72 year detective who was about to shine a light on the massive ring of ninja crime.

I also have a theory, it was a botched job, someone hired this elite ring of ninja assassins to kill David Caruso for being a big douche, and somewhere in the translation things got mixed up and Carradine was killed instead of Caruso, hey it's a mistake anybody could make, kind of like strangling yourself to death while masturbating, although maybe he was hoping to become the new lead singer of INXS which would explain that one too.

If you want to play in the paint, you best watch your dick!!

2009-06-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

Because Reggie Evans is now a Toronto Raptor... SAY WORD SON!

That's right after a trade today Reggie Evans is in Toronto, which means that for the length of his tenure in Toronto I will have a never ending supply of "hard wood", "post player" and "going after lose balls" jokes to go along with every game.

For those of you who are unsure of what the fuck I am talking about heres a little video for you all to enjoy.

But anyways now back to the trade at hand. Toronto ships out Jason Kapono and in turn brings back some much needed toughness and reboudning in an attempt to propel them into the upper echelons of niggerdom that is the NBA's elite teams. I highly approve this trade, Kapono with his beer league physique and "Ceaser" hair style was one of the whitest players on the team, right behind Chris Bosh.

Now with Evans and Pops Mensah-Bonsu in the front court the Raptors might start putting up insane rebounding numbers this season, because Evans has always had a knack for hauling down balls, and being a rebounding machine, and Pops is a missing shots machine, although usually he gets the rebound for his first couple of missed attempts.

Anyways in closing I'll leave you with a picture of Reggie and his sweet ass beard, when I nominated him for a Most Terrifying Nigger award in spring of 2008 I was unable to find a picture of the nappy monstrosity that had taken position on this mans face, but here it is in all it's glory. Be prepared for a much more African Raptor's team next year, hopefully the million they saved in contract difference can be used to land another MTN nominee such as Ron Artest.

Also MTN awards can be found at the D files, which is linked on the side if you're at all interested, any new nominees will end up on this page though.

Pets/Babies and Facebook

2009-06-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know about the rest of you but people who post every single thing their baby has encountered on Facebook upset me. I have a fair number of people on my list that I added because of past relations even though we don't really keep in touch all that much anymore. I don't care if their baby is 25 inches and almost took a step yesterday and then fell and hit their head and was crying, that is not information that anybody needs to know really. Although if the sketch bags from Woodstock had known how long Victoria Stafford was they may have planned things out better in terms of removing the car seat.

It's nice to see that your child is the complete focus of your life which is a good thing for the kids sake, but it doesn't need to be on your Facebook.

Now I realize the irony of me having a blog and writing about how I'm angry about people who post things that nobody cares about, such as their babies, or what pisses them off or what movies they watched... BUT big BUT here you have to actually come to my page you don't have it rammed down your throat all the time on the Facefuck feed of useless information. Maybe before Facebook got all gayed out baby updates were acceptable because then the five people who actually cared would just go to your page and look.

But fear not young moms of the internet, I have found a way for you to continue posting your epic narratives about the young lives of your progeny, and the answer was actually found in something else I hate on Facebook. Cats and dogs that have their own page with their silly extended names given to them by their owners, where they add middle names and attach their last names to their pets first names.

But then it dawned on me heres the solution to the baby problem. If you moms who are on there were to just make the kid their own Facebook page you could post all the stupid updates you want there. Then you, your mom if she's jumped on the old people Facebook bandwagon, the dad... maybe some uncles and aunts and the two or three friends you have that get a moat in their pants because of anything baby related, could see what's up with the baby on it's own page. Then when the kid's old enough you can hand them the password to their Facebook and they got their whole life's worth of memories at their disposal. Almost in the same way you take your son to get their license or give your daughter a package of Trojan Magnums when she goes tree planting, which actually happened by the way, theres daddy looking out for his little girl!

Another group of people who could lay off posting shit online is the hardcore faggots that feel the need to post full albums of pictures of their shitty cars and how they're souping up their VTec. To people who do that instead of making a profile for your car, you can take the time you would've spent doing that, and just kill yourself please. Your cars don't burn rubber all they burn is my asshole.

Dineley On Movies: Two Girls and A Guy

2009-06-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

Before I get in depth on this post I just want to assure everybody that I bought this movie on purpose it wasn't a failed drunken download. But yeah the movie I watched was Two Girls and A Guy which was pretty fucking awesome.

This movie starred the one the only Robert Downey Jr., Heather Graham and some other broad who was pretty annoying that I didn't recognize from anywhere else and had a long name that wasn't worth typing out.

I may have been leaning towards liking this movie before I even saw it for a few reasons. R.D.J is the fucking man, a fucking amazing actor who is always excellent in any role he is in. I'm glad he's dominating at the box office again after the whole drug fiasco. The other reason I may have been predisposed to liking this flick is that I have a bit of a soft (hard) spot for Heather Graham. For me in Grade 9 her topless scene in Boogie Nights along with many other low quality porn videos that I discovered through Kazaa caused me to send more young men to their deaths than Slobodan MiloSevic if you know what I'm saying.

I highly recommend this movie to anybody that can handle a pretty slow moving drama. It's basically all set entirely in R.D.J's loft where R.D.J is confronted by the two broads he'd been saying he was in love with who have just discovered they are both getting fucked around.

The dialog in the movie was very well done, almost Tarantinoesque in the way it flowed so conversationally. Basically 98% of this movie lent itself to providing the film with a very strong sense of realism. The one think that broke the illusion was the fact that they expect you to believe that somebody who's serving pulled pork sandwiches to Heather Graham on a regular basis would feel the need to go get some more on the side.

So to sum shit up this movie was pretty sweet a masterful performance by R.D.J., a really well shot and directed movie, sweet script, fairly strong performance by Heather Graham who really never gets any respect in the acting world, and just an all around awesome vibe make me give this 2 thumbs up. There was also a bit of a steamy scene between R.D.J. and Heather but didn't have the same charm as roller girl when I was 13.

But yeah sweet movie would also be awesome as a play, if anyone who reads this puts on plays do it up!!

1000 apologies

2009-06-08T14:10:00.000-07:00

So I've had a real "pound me in the ass" schedule the last few days between work, watching The Hangover it's left little time for me to spend working on content for here, although I'm about 3/4s of the way through the movie for the next installment of Dineley on Movies, which in a perfect world will be up around midnight tonight.

So that is the explanation for my Danny Uggla 2008 all-star game-esque dropping of the ball, hopefully it wont happen again for a while, much love.

Maybe Frank D'Angelo will sue me now??

2009-06-05T18:14:00.000-07:00

This post is about Frank D'Angelo the harbinger of douche chills, grandfather of many many bad commercials as well as just generally being a skeeze.

In June 2007 D'Angelo launched a $2 million dollar libel law suit against a blogger. So I figured I'd see if I could get the beast to rear it's ugly head once again, because lets face it the amusement of the hundred or so people that read this is much more important to me than giving Frank D'Angelo money I don't have.

Now ladies and gentlemen if you look to your right you will see our feature subject Frank D'Angelo, as you will notice how his white shirt is glossier than his cheap plastic coat, but hey I'm not the fashion police so we'll just leave it at that.

Apparently D'Angelo had a knack for business at a young age which he apparently abandoned later in life and stuck to having a knack for being a Pauly B. D'Angelo was removed as the CEO of both D'Angelo brands and Steelback breweries after running both companies into financial problems.

The brewery not only had financial issues but had to deal with the issue of their beer being absolutely terrible and coming in faggoty ass plastic bottles with stupid designs on them.

As you can see in the video below a song from the musical abomination that is D'Angelo's band. Now there is some admirable qualities in this video and that is that any proceeds from the song go to breast cancer research. So now you are probably asking why am I going after this guys charitable works, and the reason is I think that to D'Angelo breast cancer research is probably groping up girls because of both the aforementioned skeeziness as well as the fact that he was charged with the sexual assault of a 21 year old.

Although D'Angelo was aquitted of the sexual assault charges several days later he held a celebration party at his restaurant in Toronto. At the part was a senior OPP Seargeant as well as two crown attorneys. D'Angelo as well as the OPP officer are now both being charged with conspiring to obstruct justice, and obstruction of justice. The OPP officer was also charged with attempting to influence the outcome of a case.

So I am going to take the liberty of putting two and two together and assume that dirtbag D'Angelo was probably actually guilty of whatever he's accused of. Also after watching his music video anyone that unbuttons there shirt that much is usually up to sketchy scandalous behaviour.

A couple of his commercials were kind of funny but that was almost more by accident and in the so bad it's funny type of funny. What I find funniest about the add below is not only that Ben Johnson somehow decided to find a way to make more of a mockery of himself but also the unnecessary touching that D'Angelo lays on Johnson

Anyways to close Frank D'Angelo is a skeeze a douche, a bad businessman, he gives Canadian beer a bad name, is a terrible musician needs to do his shirt up and is as far as I'm concerned is a pervert and a criminal. If I hear anything from D'Angelo's lawyers on this I'll keep the saga updated but I'm sure they have other things on their plate as he is scheduled to be in court June 8.

Anti Piracy Adds

2009-06-05T15:43:00.001-07:00

Why the hell do they play anti piracy adds in movie theaters, it just makes no sense at all to me. They also have them on DVDs. People who are at the theater or are watching a DVD they bought or rented do not need to see these adds. Anyways here's a hilarious clip poking fun at these silly adds.

Dineley On Movies: Midnight Cowboy

2009-06-05T12:53:00.000-07:00

This week's movie review is of the classic flick Midnight Cowboy. Now I may be supremely ignorant but I've never seen it before and was only slightly aware that it existed despite the fact that it won beaucoups Oscars. What really drew me to picking up this movie was the title, because playing midnight cowboy in hotel elevators is one of my favourite past times. And for those who don't know how to play midnight cowboy, it's basically the same as regular cowboy except at midnight, but enough about that.

But now to tackle the actual movie which was actually pretty good.

The movie stars Jon Voight and Dustin Hoffman, Voight plays a naive young Texan who moves to NYC to try his hand at being a male prostitute, and experience about the same amount of success as Rob Schneider. Hoffman plays a crippled con man who is sick and gets worse throughout the whole film, they become friends ect ect ect.

Jon Stewart summed this movie up best as the original gay western movie, paving the way for Jake Gyllenhaal to find work in movies such as City Slickers and Brokeback Mountain.

Anyways all in all the movie was very good, Voight's performance justified George Costanza wanting to buy his car, and Hoffman's "I'm walking here" line seems to me to be the inspiration for the yelling portion of Al Pacino's career. Watching Voight attempting to "do work" on broads was in most cases about as painful to watch as a lot of the worst Michael Scott moments.

Not too many noteworthy scenes in the movie except for one particularly rough sex scene which looked an awful lot like what I would imagine the ShamWow guy hooker beat down started off as.

In summation good movie, which has been responsible for many excellent parodies running the gamut from Seinfeld to American Dad.

Also sorry about this one not being very funny, it's alot easier to make jokes about bad movies.

You sick fuck...

2009-06-04T23:32:00.001-07:00

So I apologize for any blatant english fuck ups in this post but I'm beaucoups under the influence. Anyways I was checking my hits and such and I have this thing that tells me where people access my site from. So for example if you are one of the people that was curious as to why I keep putting my address for here in my status and you clicked it, i would say http://facebook.profile.blah.blah.fucking.blah. or www.condron.us

But today I was checking that shit and I noticed one from google.blah.blah.blah. So I clicked it and it was some sick fuck from Saudi Arabia who had Google blog searched girls fucking, and had somehow been connected to my post about how the police and media were fucking up the Victoria Stafford case... anyways I just felt really bad that my blog could be reached from a search for girls fucking... and the post it links to is one about an 8 year old girl... for fuck sakes. But anyways keep rocking in the free world.

Awesome thing of the week: Non-Prospect's Diary

2009-06-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

So this week's awesome thing is centered around the latest Blue Jays Prospect to get called up, Dirk Von Hayhurst. Now throwing the Von into his name is usually enough for someone like me to give you an awesome nod as I myself have been known to go by the pseudonym Baron Von Alex.

Now as far as his baseball prowess is concerned he is a pretty average guy ableit with very respectable numbers while coming out of the bullpen. But what I really love about this dude is his blog for Baseball America. He calls it the Non-Prospect Diary. Anyways there are many many well written anecdotes that he chooses to share with the masses. He definitely has a knack for writing as well as hilarity and shenanigans. Hopefully we will see Dirk Von Hayhurst with the club for a long time. Anyways Below is a link to the Baseball America blogs page and you can search out all Dirk's posts which will all be labeled "Non-Prospect's Diary"

Also the first link is to one of the stories that I found particularly awesome and should entice you to read more.

FIRST AWESOME STORY
BASEBALL AMERICA BLOGS

Jimmy Fallon

2009-06-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

So I decided to write about Jimmy Fallon although I'm not 100 percent sure where exactly my opinion of him will end up.

While I will be the first to admit Fallon has many flaws as not only a comedian but also as a human being, the rampant anti Jimmy Fallon activity has me standing up for Fallon fairly often.

Admittedly on SNL Fallon was beyond awful with his whole stare at the camera and giggle, like 14 year old girl whose just jerked off a guy successfully for the first time ever, routine. (And trust me I know that look/giggle I get it all the time... said too much)

However on his new gig taking over for Conan you think he would be a great fit, he was always somewhat funny, and in this job you're supposed to look at the camera and laugh, so it's basically a match made in heaven. But it's more complex than that apparently.

I was watching some of his show the other night since it's on right after Conan.I was enjoying it, for the most part, he made an excellent joke about the last Titanic survivor dying at 97 years old, while she was treading water. But then follows it up with some crap about instead of flowers sending iceberg lettuce. It was basically the joke equivalent of spending a lovely time in Australia and then on the way home your plane crash lands in Rwanda.

What really killed me though was his interview with Anne Hathaway, which was just fucking awful. Watching it was like looking at your asshole in the mirror, it's not really pleasant to look at but you can't look away.

Not only did he have nothing meaningful to contribute to conversation he was just throwing out excessive compliments on Hathaway. His giddiness and excessive hand gestures were what I would expect from George Takei or Mario Cantone when presented with the idea of an all the cock you can eat buffet.

But what was the most painful part of the interview was that anyone over the age of 11 could tell that the whole time he was doing the interview the only thing on his mind was how badly he wanted to bury his bone in her yard. Now I don't blame him for thinking that as I myself have had urges of leafing through her ham wallet since the Princess Diaries days, but seriously you work on a fucking TV show keep it together man.

Anyways I guess to sum it up I hope he gets his act together, right now he's like King of the Hill, has funny moments, but when he's not funny.... he's REALLY not funny.

But seriously the whole anti Fallon thing needs to stop, I realize it's the hip thing to hate but that doesn't make it right. It's almost as bad as all the Arby's hating everyone was involved in, when secretly I know most of you were craving a Beef and Cheddar... and no thats not a euphemism, although it would make a really good one.

Podcast 3

2009-06-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

So here's the third Podcast I went in a bit of a different direction with this one, those close to me will have seen/heard it coming to those who like Al Pacino are "IN THE DARK HERE" hopefully it won't be too shocking.

Sorry about these getting longer and longer I'll try and cut the next one down in length so you don't have to waste so much of your day downloading/listening to it...

Anyways

PODCAST

Also the exit song is Baker Street by Gerry Rafferty if anyone wants to go pirate it.

Good new for Bosh fans... maybe not for Raptors fans

2009-06-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

So the Toronto Raptors' star power forward Chris Bosh signed a record deal yesterday with Warner Brothers. He plans to release a CD/DVD in the fall featuring music from new artists, and fans who can send their tunes into some website he set up (will have link at the bottom) as well as comedy stuff on the DVD featuring some of the characters he's developed over the last little while on the youtube.

He also launched an app for the iPhone/iPod touch that keeps fans up to date with videos/stats and twitter updates. So you can follow him on twitter without actually getting twitter...

Now there are two things that worry me as a Toronto fan.

a) Hopefully this doesn't interfere with him showing up for next season like a boss and playing out of his mind like he did for a little while early in the year in 2008.

b) Bryan Colangelo talked about how one of the key incentives he could offer Bosh to entice him to stay in Toronto is that they were allowed to pay him a whole lot more than any other team. And he said that while some high profile players like D Wayed ect, may be able to take that haircut and sign with another team because they can make back that extra money in shoe/T Mobile deals and such, that Bosh wasn't that kind of high profile guy. However setting up something like this may just be a stepping stone to securing some of that supplemental income in preparing to leave Toronto.

So now I'll leave you with two clips, one is Chris Bosh doing his NBA finals coverage for the Tonight Show last year just in case you haven't seen it, you can watch HERE

And the other is since we are talking about funny basketball players, some Charles Barkley footage, because let's face it, anything else would be uncivilized.

Also Charles Barkley would have been a hilarious addition to the upcoming Podcast but I wasn't in my a game when recording it so he got jumped over.

Link to Bosh's site currently unavailable because I can't find it... sorry folks

Paul Mooney

2009-06-01T20:36:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post today and some more involving stuff tomorrow but anyways I'll jump straight to it Paul Mooney is the shit. Dave Chappelle is awesome and all but Mooney is legendary, the Palpetine to his Vader if you will.

Anyways I'll quit yammering and let Mooney do the talking, sit back and enjoy the master.

Stephen Harper: Bad Ideas Part 1 of ?

2009-05-31T19:41:00.000-07:00

So while nearly everything Stephen Harper does could call for a scathing blog post this latest idea in particular incensed me to no end.

Harper announced yesterday plans to revise the Immunity of States act enabling victims of terrorists to sue the countries that harboured/supported them. Because let's face it suing other countries is a great way to do business on the international stage, especially when you have a laughable military and are trying to claim sovereignty over vast amounts of soon to be available, Arctic resources.

All diplomacy issues aside what kind of motivation is behind an oafish law like this? This clearly won't do anything to hinder terrorists since it's not as if they were working within the confines of the legal system to begin with.

Only this conservative clown with less emotions than Lieutenant Data, and is afraid to hug his own son in public would pioneer something so stupid. Because nothing spells justice for innocent victims like getting money without working, but you do realize even if some country is silly enough to play along with getting sued by some Canadian and pay out whatever is ordered by the kangaroo court, the money they are paying is jus tax dollars from some other innocent people. These people also probably have it much worse than most Canadians as most of the countries that are supporting terrorists these days are not exactly Daniel Day Lewis when it comes to quality of life.

Robbing the poor to give to the rich, typical conservative mantra.

The only thing I can see that he may be attempting to do is secretly create a reverses brain drain, with such lucrative targets to sue we may see a massive migration of such intellectual giants as Cellino and Barnes, William "the strong arm" Mattar, and other legal greats. Then we'd have the pleasure of getting bombarded with Peach Tree TVesque adds telling us about all the money we're entitled to because we feel our freedom is threatened.

Because if theres one thing people in North America are lacking it's an over zealous sense of entitlement.

Good job Harper on coming up with another bad idea, maybe you should focus on some more attack adds against the Liberals 6 months after you failed to win a majority against Stephane Dion.

Gong show of the year award (so far at least)

2009-05-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

So this whole Victoria Stafford ordeal has reached the point where I have to weigh in on it.

To open, I feel bad for the family that the kid went missing/died. I am basing this blog on very few actual facts for several reasons which will be explained later, here we go.

Ever since the girl left school and got into the car with the two rubes that the police now have in custody this case has been a giant shit show. Nothing has been done right by the police, the media, the family, or the suspects for that matter.

I want to start my real tirade with the media here, as they are the reason I have no facts to base this blog on. Ninety per-cent of the articles I have happened to read on the subject have been in nearly complete contradiction to each other, you can read 4 stories on the subject in the same day and by the time the day is done you feel like you sat through an M. Night Shamamamamamamalaya marathon because of all the twists.

As a journalism student this is particularly frustrating to me. I realize that as far as the news goes nothing generates more interest/sells better than bad things happening to blond white girls. But maybe you could hold onto your story an extra few hours and get shit right so that people actually know what is happening.

The police have goofed a bit on this too, but hey they're trying their best and in the grand scheme of things are the good guys. I here many idiot ass people going on about how the police should get sued for not switching it to a kidnapping immediately. Because let's face it suing the police is going to do a lot of good for everybody, fucking ignorant ass people.

The girls mother and her oxycotin habit have become a bigger media circus than the fucking train of dudes claiming to be the father after Anna Nicole Smith died. She should seriously take a day off from talking to the police and media and maybe think about what she's going to say instead of just throwing out more distortions of the facts for the media to blindly publish.

And finally I've heard that the girl may have been kidnapped because her mother owed money for her oxy habit, because lets face it kidnapping people with no money's children is a great way to get money. If the girl got killed because of that, thats sad pathetic and disgusting, but at the same time I hope that's what happened, because if this moron they have in custody is not just some fucking red neck that went to far and decided to lay some eight year old pipe before he offed her that's just fucking terrible and really burns my asshole.

Dineley On Movies: The Octagon

2009-05-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

Oh boy well we certainly have a winner with this one. I'm really not sure where to start my review of The Octagon, I guess I should say the star of this movie was Chuck Norris so really what was I expecting??

I guess I will start with the positives. The best part of this movie which was also very convenient was it gave me a new term to use for something that upsets you, the term being "that really burns my asshole."

So if someone was writing a review of this movie they could say, watching this movie really burned my asshole.

Besides that awesome expression, the other two good things about this movie was that the main character had two first names, Scott James, which is something that I'm a big fan of. The other was about 2.5 seconds of side boob.

Oh before I go on my huge rant to give you an idea of the pain I endured here is the plot synopsis from IMDB.

"A martial artist must defeat a plan by ninjas to create a worldwide training camp for terrorists."

Now to tear this movie a new asshole, which I hope will be burning.

In Anchorman Paul Rudd's character says that he nick named his penis The Octagon, and lets just say I would have rather watched his penis for two hours than this movie. This was the most convoluted, cheesy, confusing, plot holes, bad special effects filled flick ever. The movie needs a Myth Busters episode devoted too it, and I'm not just saying that because I want to watch Kari Byron for an hour. Everything in this movie could be busted, the fights, the special effects, the weapons, heck maybe even the fact that people actually watched it.

One other thing I actually enjoyed was Norris' mustache because it reminded me of Brian Tallet's dirty duster, which reminded me that the Jays had won earlier in the day which is awesome.

But anyways this movie was filled with guys wearing denim with bad hair, awful special effects, a score that was filled with so much uncalled for drama that it was ridiculous, and of course awful played out "ninja" fight scenes in a giant wooden octagon. The whole time I was watching the garbage fight scenes I was wishing for some Joe Rogan commentary. Also the one fight had a more drawn out death scene than any of the awesome Will Ferrel, Mustafa bits in the Austin Powers movies.

Anyways awful movie, please someone create one of those terrible Chuck Norris one liners involving death and watching this movie.

Also Mythbuster girl appreciation post will be in the not so distant future, she deserves it!

Sorry Drew Carey

2009-05-29T10:10:00.000-07:00

But fuck Cleveland, if the Cavaliers end up winning their series with the Magic I will be extremely pissed. This series should have ended up as a sweep if not for Lebron hitting the most insane shot ever.

Although I don't really care for Lebron at all I think he deserves a ring at some point but not while the supreme ruler of the turd burglars, Anderson Varejao (aka Sideshow Bob) is on the team.

Varejao is such a taint, and I don't mean like a taint on basketball I mean like the anatomical meaning, the few inches between nut sack and asshole, that is Varejao. All the dude does is flop, which he probably learned to do playing soccer in Brazil as a child.

What really bothers me about him though was his stunt at the beginning of the 2007 season where after his epic playoff run where he averaged 6 points and 6 rebound coming off the bench he refuses to sign a contract despite the fact that he's a restricted free agent. And ended up not signing until December 5 after signing an offer sheet with the Bobcats. That little incident gave me a serious Douche Chill!!!

Hopefully God will see the doucherey that is Varejao and make sure Orlando gets through, not only because Dwight Howard is the fucking man, but also because Varejao was traded from Orlando to Cleveland and I would love nothing more than for him to be upset.

Also I will forgive Lebron for hitting that shot if someone can produce evidence that he yelled "Kobe" when he took the shot.

Go Magic!!

Podcast 2

2009-05-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

And heres the next Podcast GIVER

http://www.myspace.com/maybesmith
http://www.maplemusic.com/artists/msm/default.asp

Awesome thing of the week II: The Heat of the Moment

2009-05-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

So although this weeks awesome thing of the week is officially the song Heat of the Moment by the one the only ASIA, it's kind of split up into a few parts.

I originally stumbled upon this video HERE (sorry no embedding) and was going to focus just on that. As you can tell from watching it is an awesome fun filled musical experience probably akin to the Neverland Ranch right up to the wine + pills + handskies portion of the evening.

But the video got me thinking it's basically just a guy rocking out on an acoustic, a bit of witty banter, and some tasteful use of a kick drum (Cattle Decapitation take notes please). So what exactly was it about the video that gripped my soul to the point that I wanted to make it the focus of my second installment of awesome thing of the week. And the answer of course is Heat of the Moment.

A brief aside, whenever I hear anything by or about Asia there is one moment in my life that immediately jumps to my mind. I was out in the middle of nowhere planting trees. I was having a nice little jam session on the acoustic guitar outside my tent, playing some song by Boston. It was at that point my tent neighbour, Aaron de Wit asked me what I was playing, to which I responded Boston.

Now before I continue my story I must first say that Aaron de Wit is one of the funniest people ever as anyone who knows him can surely attest to. So Aaron asks me;

"Have you heard the theory that bands sucks based on the size of the thing they're named after?"

I say no of course hoping he would elaborate which he did.

"Basically how it works is that the bigger the thing the band is named after the more they suck, so Boston is ok, Chicago is not that great, Europe is really bad, and Asia is the worst band ever."

Needless to say the man spoke truth, which is what makes Heat of the Moment such an impressive track as it is able to cross the Asia barrier and still be a fucking sweet tune. So anyways in parting here's some Asia... live!!

And updates might be a bit sporadic the next couple of days due to shitty work schedule

Lady Gaga's got a P and a V??

2009-05-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

This topic was requested by a reader, so here goes.

So there seems to be much talk the last few days about Lady Gaga being the proud owner of a small penis. At first I was surprised, for about five seconds, and then I thought wow heres a celebrity I can actually relate to.

But seriously anyone who didn't suspect this broad of having a "disco stick" of her own clearly never took a good look at her. The most tell tale sign that Gaga would be able to poke your face is the fact that she sports a glaring Disney chin. For those unfamiliar with the term Disney chin Amy Winehouse is another one guilty of having this anatomical feature. It's basically a chin that you usually only find on someone like this.

All in all I really don't see how this affects anything though. Her music is still shitty, and I'd still do terrible things to her. Although this might persuade me to bypass the cooter and go straight to reaming her corn hole given the opportunity. There are pictures out there that show here apparent bulge... however none of them are substantial enough for me to think that it's a dick and not just a meaty labia.

At a loss for a clever title

2009-05-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

So I am so outraged by the topic at hand that I wasn't able to dig up a clever title for the post. I wasn't even able to pull a Randy Moller and just throw in some random pop culture reference completely out of context, that's how upset I am.

The source of my frustration is from Globe and Mail columnist Roy MacGregor's Blog
If you care to read it in full the link is right there, but basically the basis of the blog is about how TSN is outclassing CBC in their post season hockey coverage.

Now I will admit I have a slight bias for CBC because they have Don Cherry, who is basically Canada/Hockey's version of Don Imus but he gets carte blanche to say whatever the fuck he wants which makes it much more amusing. The fact that CTV Globemedia sandbagged CBC and stole the HNIC song only to have it played by Simple Plan and other atrocious acts makes me slant even more towards CBC, however I was willing to hear the guy out and see what he had to say.

That is until I read to the point where one MacGregor listed one of the pros of watching the game on TSN was the insightful commentary of Pierre McGuire, yes you read that correctly Pierre fucking McGuire!!! In the words of Chuck Swirsky ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! In fact here is the exact words he used to describe McGuire.

His colour partner, Pierre McGuire, has enough knowledge of the game that the Minnesota Wild recently came with a coin flip of making him general manager. McGuire is enthusiastic, has turned his between-the-benches stunt (initially with NBC, then TSN) into industry standard and – most significantly – sees the game through 21st century eyes.

This is where I became engulfed in rage Pierre Mcguire is the biggest stain on hockey broadcasting that there is. The only time I enjoy him being on is when Sean Avery is squirting him with water. The guy is a fucking joke he has a serious chubby for 98.54 per cent of the players as well as Darren Dutchyshen which can easily be witnessed on trade deadline day. Also I'm pretty sure the only adjectives he knows are courageous and unbelievable. What's unbelievable is that somebody can actually enjoy this guy who never shuts the fuck up and is indescribably annoying.

Also here's the hit in question form the blog that was apparently a big deal, which I think is awesome. As Don Cherry would say..

Now remember kids you gotta keep your head on a swivel like Mark Messier, keep your head up, do we have time to show the clip... ok we're going to the clip, alright here you go kids watch this, he's got his head down, and...

Two days before the day after tomorrow

2009-05-26T18:52:00.000-07:00

So today was mostly devoid of writing for two reasons, first of all I was out scouring the city for movies, I found a good number of movies although it cost me a fair bit, my bank balance dropped like Jett Travolta in the tub.

And the second and equally if not more exciting reason why there was no writing for today was I was doing the preliminary work for the upcoming flash movie/cartoon/comic with audio or whatever it ends up being. Did the drawing of about half of the characters today. Anyways heres a little teaser picture of what I'm working on, although extremely rough right now just figured I'd build some hype up for this shit.

So yeah heres what's on it's way, tell all your friends, which also happens to be an awesome Taking Back Sunday album that I hope everyone reading this already owns or has pirated.

Now, usualy I don't do this but uh...

2009-05-26T11:29:00.000-07:00

Gone head and give em a lil preview of the remix.

For those of you recognized the lyrics, don't worry this post has nothing to do with R. Kelly. During the seemingly endless time I spend dicking around on the internet I stumbled upon a sweet little ditty I thought I'd share with you all. Apparently it's out on a CD already but who pays for music these days anyways besides me.

The song is Black History Month by Death From Above 1979. So anyways the remix is by Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age and other shit. And it can be found right below hope you dig it as much as I did.

MUZZAK

Mighty Ducks Update

2009-05-25T21:54:00.000-07:00

So relating to a previous post if you haven't read it.... spoiler content I guess.

Emilio throwing in the cat must have been where Ron Wilson got his inspiration from to go to CuJo for shootouts, I mean they both coached the Mighty Ducks and team USA... maybe Ron Wilson IS Emilio Estevez.

Dineley On Movies: The Fire Down Below

2009-05-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

I decided that a weekly contribution to the blog will be me watching and reviewing a random movie, usually one purchased at the Beat Goes On and hopefully relatively obscure. If it's a good movie hopefully my review will convince you to watch it, if it's a bad movie hopefully my review will entertain you in a way the movie could not.

For the maiden voyage of Dineley On Movies I have chosen, Fire Down Below starring Steven Seagal and Marg Helgenberger. Unfortunately despite the title the movie had nothing to do with Marg Helgenberger's kitty, but never the less was a fairly decent flick.

About 18 seconds in was the first good part, the name Kris Kristofferson popped up on the screen during the credits, despite his character sucking and him being a bad actor reading his name was very amusing for me.

For a brief plot synopsis all I can say is that this movie is basically Erin Brockovich on steroids.

This movie is typical Seagal, bad acting, with a bad pony tail and leather jacket to go with it. He's playing his usual super strong and fast cop who has no time for the rules, they just always get in between him and justice. As usual he dives right into the nine vs one scenes more voraciously than an 18 year old eastern European girl.

Despite being essentially a B movie this flick is pretty entertaining, 90's B movies held themselves to a much higher standard than most of today's garbage. If you make it through the whole thing you'll be rewarded with Seagal explaining to the bad guy about how his friend "Tyrone" will show him the ropes of prison life aka sodomize him mercilessly till he dies of old age or Syphilis.

All in all this was a stellar pickup for me, it came as a part of a Steven Seagal pack which had four movies on two discs and cost me like 7.99 which is pretty fucking sweet.

Dan Brown + Firey Death = Awesome

2009-05-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

So this post is only somewhat Dan Brown related and it's in a roundabout manner anyway but the intended subject made me think of Dan Brown and how him dying in a fire would be awesome, so the title stands.

Anyway somewhere along my life journey I fell victim to the television show 24. It waylaid me on a lazy Sunday evening when a friend and I were gathering for our weekly Simpsons Family Guy ritual then WHAM! two hour 24 premier. Needless to say we watched it. Why?? you might ask, the same reason people watch 90 per-cent of the other shit thats out there, because it's on TV.

I then proceeded to catch up on the previous five seasons or 116 hours in the span of about two to three weeks spurned on by the endless supply of cliffhanger endings to each episode.

I assume they use this tactic so that during the commercial break you're too busy wondering what will happen next to realize what kind of terrible person you are for being this engrossed in this ridiculous show.

But whatever it was entertaining and every season always came to a dramatic and awesome CONCLUSION. That is until this years finale where they got either cocky or scared that nobody would care next season decided to cliffhanger the entire day, leaving the whole thing more wide open than Heath Ledgers asshole during/after a cowboy camping trip.

Why bother leaving Bauer on his deathbed when theres a next season, obviously he will survive if theres another season.

I generally could put up with all the cliffhangers but this one really grinded my gears and made me think of Dan Brown and his shitty books that cliffhanger every chapter that shouldn't really be a chapter. Take Angels and Demons for example the book was 569 pages and had 137 chapters, for a whopping 4.1 pages per chapter. Dan Brown's books are so bad I read The Hunt for Red October immediately following Angels and Demons and it seemed like literature handed down from God himself. Brown makes Clancy look like the word of the Lord.

So in summation, fuck you writers of 24, and double fuck you Dan Brown.

Podcasts are up! Say Word Son

2009-05-25T14:28:00.000-07:00

Yes you read correctly podcasts are up fool. I apologize in advance for my voice being somewhat irritating, and also big ups to Fraser from work for being the first person to catch my "one eight tournaments" gaffe. Anyways hope you guys all enjoy and please email or comment if you have anything to say or suggest, even if you just want to rip me a new one or say something sucks any feedback is appreciated... chicken fucker!

Ok so upon further review of the tech aspect of this whole Podcast thing you just have to paste the blog URL into an RSS reader or into your iTunes podcast area to play or download the thing.. or here is the direct link to the file.

https://www.box.net/shared/static/hkrqd2zqfu.mp3

Original Staal

2009-05-24T18:48:00.000-07:00

In light of the Eric VS Jordan Staal match up currently underway in the NHL's Eastern conference finals I though an homage to original Stahl was necessary.

Before, Eric, Jordan, Marc and Jared there was the one the only Gunnar. This clip is an oldie but a goody, although I have my doubts as to the validity of the "triple deke" pretty sure that would not serve any purpose in helping you try and score. Oh and also.... EMILIO!!!!!

Awesome thing of the week (explanation of banner)

2009-05-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

So as many of you who know my I have a bit of a soft spot for William Shatner, and no it's not my asshole if thats the joke you were thinking.

It was this love for Shatner that earned his picture the spot in the banner. He narrowly beat out the angry guy from Network (see below). It was really between those two just based on the fact that I always seem to be angry and pissed off and those were the two best angry pissed off pictures besides Charlton Heston weeping at the Statue of Liberty head. So for those super Star Trek nerds who were about to email me and say, "Kirk doesn't say there is no override thats whats his fucking nuts on Khan's ship." I realize this and the picture and name are really not related intentionally at least.

Oh yeah sorry heres Network guy.

Besides his awesome KHAAAAN yelling and other excellent overacting Shatner has done throughout his career it is his musical "efforts" that really put him over the top.

This one is no exception, with all the emotion and dramatic pauses that one would expect from a red alert type situation on aboard the... bridge....of... the Enterprise. Unfortunately there was no quality videos to be found of this song, the one slightly good one was still super gay and had embedding disabled and I'm too much of a noob to just upload the audio even if I had it.

So here it is is in all it's glory. Mr. Tambourine man, which also reinforces the truth of my statement that Bob Dylan writes good covers.

Also everybody go out and by the CD Has Been, amazing album.

Kanye West Glasses

2009-05-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

Stop wearing these glasses. They make you look like a douche no matter what circumstance you are wearing them in.

Outside on a sunny day, they still let half the sun in, plus they obscure your vision with the fucking plastic pieces.

Outside on a shitty day, see above minus the sun.

Inside a bar, they clash with the neon green and hot pink shirt you are probably wearing since you're the kind of turd burglar that wears these glasses to a bar. Maybe you like the fact that they clash since you're too cool for fashion as usual. These glasses only purpose in a bar are to serve as a warning to the rest of the bar that you are a mega douche. Although these are really a back up because chances are your shitty mustache already alerted them.

And while I'm on the topic of the lame mustache, fucking shave it off already, unless it's bushy as fuck or stacheburns it's useless, as usually they're too puny to even add any pleasure to whoever you happen to be rimming out, even if you're going at it with such zeal that you break your nose in some hot face on taint action.

Mike Weir Syndrome

2009-05-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

I have no issues with Mike Weir in fact he seems like a nice guy, however in looking at the coverage Mike Weir gets from the media it's disgusting.

The Canadian media has Weir's dick so far down their throat I'm surprised they're not throwing up their lunch all over his cock and balls.

The dude's won like 8 tournaments.... EIGHT. Tiger Woods wins like 8 tournaments in a row for fuck sakes. Yeah it was awesome when Weir out dueled Woods at the President's Cup in Montreal but does that merit someone making Mike Weir wine for fuck sakes?

In defense of the media following Weir so closely the only other Canadian in regular contention is Stephen Ames, who is a veritable vortex of Ass-haterrey.

But seriously in almost every sport we go to agonizing lengths to point out Canadian content it's almost offensive. It makes us look small time and unprofessional.

I mean the hype surrounding Samuel Dalembert getting citizenship to play for our basketball team seemed to have the entire country minus Leo Rautins waving their palm branches and shouting hosanna to the guy.

AdSense?

2009-05-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

Although I doubt I'd get approved I'd really love to see what sort of adds Google would automatically throw onto my blog if I applied for that add stuff.

One of the criteria is that you can't promote racism or something along those lines, and while I don't promote racism I do use the word nigger an awful lot. Although this blog will not feature the prolific use of nigger and it's other variations, such as niggerish, niggerdom, to the same degree as my old blog, which was running the "Most Terrifying Nigger Awards." (Which you could take a glimpse of HERE if you missed it the first time around). I still thought the content might still be a bit offensive and didn't want to get in trouble from the all powerful Google.

But seriously just going through my last post what sort of targeted adds would cookie monster, Satan, sodomy, and enema bring up?? Hell throw musician into the equation too and you got yourself a fun little puzzle, what product would all these things have in common besides some sort of Sesame Street torture fetish dungeon with live music, which hopefully if that existed Google would find it and advertise it to you the readers.

Just a thought...

Cool Dude Alert

2009-05-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

To start of this post I want to throw in two things I forgot to mention in the introduction. One of the best way to describe my sense of humour would be

"The Mariah Carey of mediocre metaphors."It's sort of self encapsulating as too what it's getting at.

I also use a lot of sports metaphors, which to people who get them are fantastically witty and hilarious, but on the other hand to people who don't they make no sense and are not funny and instead of making you laugh have you cursing the obscurity of my reference. Hopefully a quick wiki search could enlighten you enough to get the joke
but if not... I believe this guy put it best saying it's too late to apologize.

Now to the actual point of this post this fucking laugher of a band.

http://www.myspace.com/cattledecapitation

The members of this band are certainly all very talented musicians, well maybe not the vocalist but we'll leave that for later, that is not what bothers me about them, it's basically everything else about them.

They form some band to protest the mistreatment of animals called Cattle Decapitation. I don't know which of the scientists in the band decided to use that as the name but someone should have told them if you want to make music that has little to know general appeal you should maybe make your message clear so then you can at least target your hippie niche audience.

Apparently they have lyrics which are clever and macabre putting humans in the position that animals generally find themselves in. Well maybe if your lyrics are how you're planning on getting your message across you should make it so people can discern the lyrics.

Right now it sounds like their singer is some sort of variation of cookie monster and Satan getting an enema combined into one terrible vocalist, whose voice also bears a striking resemblance to that of an Orc from Warcraft 2 or 3 for all you computer inclined folks out there.

As much as I want to comment on their music more that would mean I have to listen to it more to think of funny things to say so I'll skip that and go to their lame ass myspace page layout. Their myspace is the biggest example of "Jimmy Try Hardism" I've ever seen, it's the web page equivalent of Dominic Moore after being traded to the Sabers.

Fucking atrocious.

Here is a band thats skilled and not saying to themselves, "hey lets play as fast as we can and make music that sounds like animals getting sodomized by power tools."

Enjoy the Rufio fools.

Preface

2009-05-23T17:18:00.000-07:00

This post shall serve as an introduction/preface/disclaimer of sorts, and should give you a good idea of what to expect here.

I'll start by saying that if you are offended easily this will probably be a page you never want to visit. I have one of the most twisted minds out there and find sick humour in all sorts of terrible twisted circumstances. I may feel bad about what happened but I'll still make a joke out of it. If that upsets you, you're more likely to find Victoria Stafford's body than to find any sympathy from me.

Hopefully for the rest of you I'll be able to provide a you with a funny outlook on aspects of this world, as well as share some sweet music that I enjoy with you and just generally enlighten you as much as possible.

I'll try to avoid being a fucking weepy "what the hell is wrong with this world/people" kind of blogger, but I can't promise it completely as sometimes I have those days, although it's usually triggered by some broad being dumb. Anyways I'll try and keep the updates coming too fast and too furious.

PEACE
Dineley